Scale Saturday 2018: Week 28

This aging thing is a bit terrifying at times. It seems I blink and whole chunks of time have disappeared. This summer in particular has been speeding by, and I often feel as though I do nothing but rush from one project to the next.

I weighed myself very little this month. I suppose I'll have to step up the accountability as the colder months settle in, but for now this is working. This slower approach to my fitness goals has been therapeutic for my spirit--much less anxiety inducing, but I've had moments of frustration that I'm still not where I'd like to be. It's been a lesson in patience, which is something I need. You may wonder what the point is in posting an update at all because of this plateau I'm on. It's because...well, I'm not done yet! I'm comfortable for now where I'm at, but this journey isn't over.

One major victory I've won this month (and this may have some of you scratching your heads): I've eliminated all sugar in my coffee! It seems like such a little thing, but it was one of the hardest for me to let go of. A year ago I was dumping two heaping tablespoons of the nasty stuff in my cup. I managed to cut that amount in half back in January, but I couldn't give it up entirely. The Monday after my last Scale Saturday post I decided to cut it out cold turkey. It's amazing how much better I feel not having a shot of sugar right away in the morning, and it helps keep the sugar cravings at bay.

One thing I've become addicted to in it's place: cream. Not creamer, or half and half, but real honest to goodness cream. I bought some to make a rhubarb custard pie a couple weeks ago and used the rest in my coffee. I tried going back to the ole powdered creamer--I mean, I'm going to have to eventually, because wow cream is expensive--but it's just not the same.

I've just been enjoying as much as I can of this season of plenty which never seems to last long enough. Long days are spent picking goodies among itchy foliage surrounded by ravenous insects, and then enjoying the bounty. We've been eating fried zucchini like it's going out of style. I suppose I'll have to find another way to prepare large quantities of zucchini soon. Eli has started getting that mule-at-the-turnpike look when he comes home from work to find me over a pan of sizzling breaded cucurbits. "Do you know how fattening they are?" he worries as he polishes off his third helping. "Meh. They're vegetables." I answer. But really, I don't care. Zucchini season will soon be over and for the next 10 months we'll have to resort to the stash I've frozen.

So for this month's update, I again have succeeded in maintaining my weight, keeping it within two pounds of my lowest. This speaks volumes to the importance of moderation, because while I'm allowing foods I would not normally eat during my strict "dieting", I have continued to watch portion sizes and refrain from taking seconds. Cheers!

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 23

Well, this month has flown by! I was going to go in a completely different direction on my blog today, but the calendar told me it was scale day.

I'd like to sit here and tell you all that I did it! I dragged myself back on the wagon and made up for all the lost time, and lost a ton of weight in the last few weeks! But the reality is this: during the past month the main thing I seemed to figure out is how to maintain my weight. I've occasionally treated myself, but mostly it's been so crazy busy that I haven't had time to worry so much about what food I'm eating and what my gravitational pull clocks in at every second of the day. That's probably the best part of summer. It takes me out of my own mind a bit.

It's the season of mud on the walls and sand on the floor and popsicle drip ant colonies. Everything is growing at a manic speed outside and if I don't get ahead of the garden grass now (as I did not do last year) it's going to choke out our food. Again. My friend is flying in from Oregon to stay again next week, which has also been a great incentive to get projects done. Upstairs has been getting a complete overhaul, which means multiple totes carried up and down stairs and out of the house. The reward has been a tired aching body and satisfaction at the progress that's been made.

For three days I made an attempt to resume calorie journaling, but it took more time than I was willing to invest in it. I found I still had some lingering feelings associated with my mental rebellion against the strictness of my diet. Instead of writing it all down, I tried to maintain the portion sizes and better food choices I habitualized in the beginning. As I've been saying all along, this has to be a way of life; we have to be able to live with the healthy changes we make or it will never work long term. A way of life that makes us feel oppressed and irritated will eventually backfire on us. So, while my progress has remained slow, it is still progress. I'm confident that by approaching my "diet" in a more relaxed way I'll have a better chance at making it an actual way of life, rather than trying to race to a finish line that really isn't there.

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 19

Journal Observations

Monday
I'm no where near where I hoped to be at this point in this journey. I'm having the hardest time dragging both feet back on the wagon, but I know this fight is worth it.

My body is a machine. It's purpose is to carry me through life, and it can't do what it needs to do if I disrespect that purpose by fueling it with junk. We get one chance at this life. Why not give it our best?

I'm hungry.

Tuesday
I feel so much better when I eat moderately and well! I can do this!

So much work to do outside! This will be great!

Wednesday
Phew. My body aches. I must have overdone it yesterday. 

Two grocery bags of chips? Why would he buy two grocery bags of chips?! I don't like chips. I don't like chips. I don't like chips.

Thursday
Well that's not good. I didn't think I ate that many last night. I wonder how many calories are in half a bag?

Going to take it easy today. It's a feast day in the Church and we all need a rest from time to time.

I have another day yet this week to make a big difference.

Friday
Baking four dozen cookies today for our company tomorrow. There will be 11 kids here, so they should eliminate most of them! 

All I'm going to eat today is a can of tuna and vegetables! 

I don't need to try the cookies. I've made them hundreds of times before and they've never not been fantastic.

Have to make sure the cookies taste okay though....Guests coming and all....

Man that was a good cookie.

They'll be hot for only 10 more minutes so I'll enjoy just one more....

This container will close better if I just eat these two...don't want any smashed cookies now....

I guess I'm having cookies for supper. 

Saturday
This week instead of journaling calories, I decided to track the prevailing thoughts of the day. I imagined it might reveal some deep-seeded reason for my lack of vigor lately in this healthful living battle. But really, it's everything I already knew about myself...all my weaknesses just seem to have washed to the surface lately. Lack of will power, lack of care. Lack of care.... That's it. That is the deep-seeded reason I was looking for all week!

I've gotten to the point where, for the first time ever, I really really don't care what number I have to tell you all about on Saturday morning. I'm burned out. And that fact really scares me. It means that these posts have lost their main reason for being: i.e., accountability for me. In the past I've continued to write for inspiration, so all of you struggling along your own paths know that I'm here too, winning small victories, tripping and deciding about 50 times a week that I'll just stay fat for the rest of my life. Far from being inspiring lately, I feel this space for me has become stagnant. Even if I had incredible results to share, I strongly feel I'd be at this same point.

I've wistfully thought about spending my Saturday mornings writing posts about things I am currently passionate about...posts that I don't make time for during the week because there are so many other things to do in the mornings. Ending these posts was not even on my radar when I sat down at the keyboard this morning, but I feel very strongly that this is the right decision at this time.

For now the plan will be to continue Scale Saturday posts in a monthly capacity. I'm not giving up my fight for a healthful life, but I believe changing gears now is going to propel me to the next step I need to reach in this journey.

If you've enjoyed my musings and ramblings thus far, feel free to wander on over here Saturdays. I hope to finally get some posts published that have been in the works for an incredibly long time. Otherwise, I will check back in with the next Scale Saturday post June 9th.

I'll leave you all with the results from this week. Adieu...not forever, but for now!

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 18

I decided I need to brush off the best of my creative writing skills to power me through this one. I did not want to write this post, but am here simply because of the same reasons I stated last week. I cannot give up. This is a real life counter to those fabulous weeks I lost 5-11 lbs.

I sat down at the keyboard with my lovely steaming hot cup of aromatic coffee this morning and listened to the birds sing...for a split second...and then...whooo hoooooo.... My husband, a staunchly unapologetic fan of 80's music, had cranked Pandora in the bathroom. Michael Jackson was ruining the the birds' serenade that I've eagerly waited the last 24 hours for.

The hormones that made me inhale six mini M&M packets before bed the other night had me burst into tears like a big baby. The little mom voice in my head warned good thing no one can hear you. This is really immature, Julie. Pull yourself together. WWAMD? What would adult me do?

I went to get earplugs. Really? Earplugs? I don't want to stick these things in my ears! I want to hear the birds! *sob*

"Babe...can you please turn that down?...BABE? DOES THAT HAVE TO BE SO LOUD? BABE! IT'S REALLY GRATING ON MY NERVES!" *sob*

"Oh..sure Babydoll, just a minute."

Settling back in my chair I heard another squawk and held my breath to listen. Not a bird. Not me, either. It was the real baby this time. The one that wants to be held for an hour after she wakes every morning. The one who spills my lovely steaming hot aromatic coffee because she wants a sip just like mama. And pushes buttons and puts the computer in sleep mode while I'm typing.

*sob*

I cannot be upset or disappointed. One look at this beautiful little face melts my heart. And do do da babababa is ultimately more melodic than any bird tune. Her hair smells like fresh sun-kissed laundry, and one morning she will wake and not want to snuggle in my lap. These moments are more precious than gold.

So often when I have a little corner of my day hollowed out and a certain plan on how to enjoy it, nothing goes as I hoped. I firmly believe that it's God molding me as clay on the potter's wheel. As disappointed as I feel at times, in retrospect I've realized the moments that are the most precious to me are those that cannot be planned. It's all part of the bigger picture of life. And if you've wondered what all this blabbering has to do with the scale...well, that's pretty much it. Nothing new from what I've said in the past, just a more dramatic presentation of it to mask the fact that...I've got nothing else inspirational to offer.

My favorite time of year is upon us. And when I wrote favorite at first it came out favotire. Whether it was an honest typo flip or a subconscious anagram, it was appropriate. Favorite but tiring. My only saving grace this week was how busy this time of year is. We've been outside the majority of the time when it's not raining. We got half the garden planted. I got most of the back yard raked and a good 60 ft. stretch of the creek banks cleared of saplings, sticks, leaves, and debris. I pulled out two dead honeysuckle bushes and restacked our woodpile. I cleared the dead growth and leaves from beds. I'm in the process of raking all the rocks out of the beds surrounding the house so I can put in wild flowers and an herb garden.

Yesterday we had our last nature study for the academic year at a local nature preserve. Looking back, I can't believe I took five kids to this by myself. Ian is the child that is totally okay with running ahead out of sight...exhilarated by being "lost", running 100 miles an hour down these treacherous steps carved into decaying woodland, and is completely fine with adopting himself out to strange random families who are also traversing the trails. This was my treadmill:

And I am totally not in as good of shape as I thought I was! My knees are screaming at me today. But we made it home with all five still accounted for, and no broken bones.

I have not resumed tracking calories in my food journal. After a two week hiatus from the scale and almost completely abandoning calorie restriction, I hopped on today to find four extra pounds. It's not as bad as I had feared. I'm considering this last five week stretch my "treading water" break. I have every good intention of dragging both feet back on the wagon next week.

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 17

As you may have noticed, it's not Saturday. And though I hate to disappoint, there was no scale this past week either. It's probably hard to understand, but it took an incredible amount of mental energy for me to even begin this "nowhere" post. Fatigue has hit me like a Mack truck, so much so that yesterday I broke my one-cup-of-coffee rule with two, then promptly passed out and slept for most the afternoon with Addie. I'm here because I can't leave my weight battle hanging or I may just give up.

The past week was incredibly taxing, and I hit the limit of what I could handle around Tuesday. Come to think of it, Eli ripped the toilet (the one and only toilet) out Monday, so that's fitting. From there it was a marathon to install cement board, cut and lay tile, leave time for the thinset and mastic to dry, and then grout without having kids run through it. This was all started with the goal to have everything set and dry and ready for the new toilet to be installed Wednesday night after Eli got home from work. I was up until midnight a couple nights laying tile, with breaks in between to feed and put kids to bed.

I'll spare you every snag of the process, but we just made it in time for Addie's first birthday party Saturday with a fully functional bathroom.

I guess I don't feel completely alive unless I'm pushing myself to achieve ridiculous goals? I don't know.

So while the bathroom was all tore up the scale was tucked away in a closet. Every morning I dragged my sore aching body out of bed and thought about stepping on the scale. And every morning some other chore took precedence over the scale.

I can tell you as of Tuesday morning I was up 2 pounds from what I weighed in at Saturday. I cannot tell you where I am now, six days later. I ate what everyone else here ate, whatever was leftover. I didn't count calories. Tomorrow I'll drag myself back on the scale and begin again. Perhaps it's fitting that I let it rest for the remainder of April and will have renewed enthusiasm with the dawn of a new month. That's what I'll keep telling myself anyway. Until next Saturday!

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 16

Here we are again...another Saturday.

This post will be comparatively brief because there's tile waiting to be grouted. My exercise this week has been crawling around on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor, running to the garage to cut tile, and hopping up countless times to mediate, feed, and otherwise aid children. Oh, and trying to keep dust down to a fine layer...the dust is insane around here. We've had the components to redo our (one and only) bathroom for a year now and it's finally getting done. My Dad and Eli started the project off earlier this week, but when Eli had to go back to work Wednesday I took over as much as I was able. Make hay while the sun shines!

I've mentioned before that April has always been the Twilight Zone of my diets in the past. Perhaps more accurately described as limbo. No matter how hard I've tried I have never lost more than 5 pounds in the month of April. I'm not entirely certain whether it's physical or psychological, but most likely is a perfect storm of both. As the month nears it's end the theme seems to be continuing. For full disclosure, I also have not been trying as hard as I could this time around.

We had another Easter celebration last weekend, and I don't need my arm twisted to celebrate. I gained 9 pounds. NINE POUNDS. Yes, it is ridiculous, and I didn't know that was even possible in such a short period of time. I had quite a bit of salty food, so it's possible there was a bunch of water weight hanging around. Regardless, my all-weekend splurges are officially over. (I say this one week before my baby girl's first birthday party...eek.) I can't keep it up, especially if I continue this two steps forward, two steps back pattern. It's exhausting and disheartening. I lost nine pounds this week...but made no progress.

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 15

Week 15....have I really been at this for 15 weeks already? This is the first thought that comes to me every single week I start a Scale Saturday post. It sounds like such a long time.

My struggle this week has been with the junk food that keeps reappearing around here. Have I said this exact thing before? I feel like I have. I mentioned before the difficulty in sticking with a healthy diet when others in your home insist on buying junk, and cooking elaborate, calorie-laden meals several times a week. I know we're not the only family that struggles with this. When you're together you want to enjoy the time and what better way than eating? We grilled burgers, brats, hot dogs...had German potato salad...breakfast breads...hashbrown, sausage and cheese casserole...pizza...hard salami sandwiches...nachos, cheese puffs, honey roasted peanuts etc. etc. etc.

I'm not going to lie: I shed a couple tears in the effort it took to not load up my plate with some of the amazing food we've cooked. I've watched whole dishes be consumed without getting more than a bite because I could not afford the calories they contained. I didn't want another no-results week like last.

Weeks like last feel a lot like the Seven Days' Battles during the Civil War when the Union failed to capture the Confederate capital. They would eventually win the war, but there were plenty of battles they lost along the way. While it's disheartening taking steps back, keep in mind nothing great was achieved by giving up. We have this quote on the chalkboard in our school room:

He conquers who conquers himself. Each battle you do win, each little victory in overcoming a bad habit, gets you closer to where you want to be. And in the process you build will power, better habits to help hold you up when faced with a challenge.

Also this week, per request, I jotted down a detailed menu of everything I ate (including portion sizes) that I'll be working on typing up to add to a future Scale post. Doing this shed a lot of light on the ways my diet is not balanced. I want to remind you that I am in no way a dietitian or a nutritionist, and I often fail to meet the recommended daily servings of certain food groups. I've noticed recently that I'm bruising a lot (while quite accident prone, this is beyond the norm), losing a lot of hair, and my nails have become brittle. I started taking a multi-vitamin (something I should have been doing from the start). I'm also due for a physical: something that's so easy to put off because it's really hard taking that not-so-fun time for myself when there are a lot of little people here who always need me. But, since this whole journey is about improving health, it's also important to know where you are and to change paths if needed before things get too out of hand.

Weight loss totals per month:

January: -17 lbs.

February: -13 lbs.

March: -10 lbs.

April (so far): -3 lbs.

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 14

Four pounds. That is what this week of celebration has cost me. And I'm okay with it.

We enjoyed good food in moderation for Easter, and then celebrated Aidan's 11th birthday on Tuesday. It really was a special day, and he requested lunch at the local Chinese restaurant with just mama. Not even Addie tagged along, which is unusual. I only had room for half my Mongolian beef, so I brought the rest home and enjoyed it for supper. Knowing when I'm full and being able to step away is a huge milestone for me. I've struggled for years with the habit of continuing to eat just because the food tasted amazing.

My undoing was most likely in the pieces of birthday cake I enjoyed almost every day without following up with sufficient exercise. Honestly, when it's a celebratory week: EAT THE CAKE. Life is so short, you guys.

I end this week at the exact same weight as last. But at least I don't have to share +LB(s)!!! 

I realized that I haven't updated then and now photos and measurements in over a month, and there's no better time (and reminder!) than when I have a poor scale week.

In measurements:

Bust: -5 inches

Waist: -8 inches

Hips: -7 inches

My apologies for the hideous shirt dress! Back then, it was one of the few comfortable things that fit. I put it on to paint recently (hoping to slop enough paint on it to warrant throwing it away!) and decided to get a then-and-now photo in the same clothes. In it's defense, it had pockets.... 😂 (We also hope to get the new bathroom floor installed this month!)

Scale Saturday 2018: (Postponed Version) Week 13

As I mentioned in my last post, I decided to postpone my regular Scale Saturday post to honor the Paschal Triduum with virtual silence. My weekly weight update seems quite trivial when contemplating the Passion, Death, and Resurrection of Christ.

I weighed myself as usual Saturday morning, and haven't since, so I have no idea how the holiday has affected it. Regardless of what it is, I've resolved to not let it trip me up. I haven't binged on anything, but I have celebrated the holiday by allowing bread, cheese, potatoes, dessert, wine.... I have to keep reminding myself that it's all part of the natural ebb and flow of life.

We've been incredibly busy here lately, which is great for eliminating the "bored hunger". It's not great for getting hot, well-balanced meals put on the table. I gave up my egg white omelettes, and scrambled eggs with mushrooms and peppers for two boiled eggs with chipotle sauce, an orange, and maybe a yogurt for breakfast. In my mind I had the lurking thought that there was no way I could last all morning on just two eggs (and I am not a big fan of the flavor, thus the chipotle sauce), but eggs really are incredible. Protein helps reduce sugar cravings, and is best paired with a grapefruit, which works as an appetite suppressant. So many marketed "quick" breakfast foods are loaded with sugar and chemicals that set you up for failure as the day wears on. You really can't get any quicker than a hard boiled egg, especially when we boil a dozen at a time to keep in the fridge.

I recently downloaded the MyFitnessPal app because so many people have recommended it. I forgot that I had tried it (before it was an app) back in 2009, and my account was still active. I think I used it for one day before deciding that I still prefer pen and paper. Picking up my phone to record calories multiple times a day when I can just jot down already known calories in my journal is maddening, while pen and paper have always been cathartic for me. If you're a more digital-geared person, MyFitnessPal has an extensive database of foods and their nutritional value, whether you're eating out or cooking at home. They even have a water intake tracker, weight tracker, and an exercise tracker (with the ability to sync with a step tracker...though they don't recognize mine...grrr.) It's a great health tool if you're not the pen and paper type of person.

I've been debating whether to share this with you or not. My perfectionist tendencies are screaming at me it's so sloppy! You didn't try at all to write neatly! This was not meant to be public! What if your math is off and someone catches your wonky addition? They'll see some of your poor food choices! However, the following photos will help answer some questions about what I eat and how I track it.

*Notes: My daily caloric goal is to NOT exceed 1400 calories. However, my average daily calories are usually around 1100-1200.

As I mentioned what my breakfasts have been, I want to also mention that my largest meal of the day is eaten midday, usually by 1 pm. It's generally the one meal that includes meat, most of the carbs for the day, and the core of my daily calories. Supper is mostly a mix of carrots, peppers, nuts (28 *tiny* almonds equal 170 calories, so just watch portions!), and sometimes a yogurt if I feel a strong need for a treat.

My exercise goal is 30 minutes of jogging/running a day. It's always around the house; I still do not own any exercise equipment. I never meet this goal. I generally get about 15 minutes done before someone needs me/the phone rings/I see a chore that seems more important at the moment. I do, however, walk most the day just doing my regular chores. Once a week I get my (supposed to be daily) floor exercises done: a rotation of 20 leg lifts per leg, 40 scissor kicks, 30 seconds each of regular and reverse planks. 

In the journal entries where you see the calorie total ending in the 600's, it's because I forgot to add supper, but knew in my mind where I ended the day at. The same with the days ending in 800-900 calorie ranges are because I didn't add the carrots/peppers I finished the day with. (A whole small bag of baby carrots totals less than 200 calories.) The days I didn't add calories at all are most likely days I binged on something and gave up. 

My coffee contains so many calories because of the creamer and sugar I still use. It's a ray of sunshine in my days, and one I'm not ready or willing to part with at the moment. I have cut my coffee sugar in half, though. Pretty much the only other thing I drink is water, which is why you won't find many beverage calories recorded. If you're a juice/milk/pop/alcohol drinker don't forget that those all can add a lot of invisible calories to your total. 

Apparently I had Doritos with my eggs for breakfast one morning...and then fell off the wagon. Ha!

I also keep track of where my weight and measurements are in the same journal. It goes back eight years. Eight years. I record every time my weight moves, up or down, each time I step on the scale, and the date. I also track total pounds lost per month and per year (the "-__" number to the right of my weight), and when I hit personal goals. It's both inspiring and depressing, depending on the day!

Eli joined me for about a week, which is why his name appears at the top.

"SS" stands for "Scale Saturday".

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 12

I took my own advice this week and pushed myself harder, both in watching what I ate and in intentionally exercising. I was mindful of the kind of calories I ate. I didn't have to add up any cookie calories this week (one little amazingly delicious 2" pistachio cookie came in at 72 calories...and you can't eat just one!) I was able to resist taking even one bite of the boys' cheese bread sticks for supper last night.

Last fall, before I embarked on this weight loss journey, I ordered some new clothes from Old Navy during a big sale they were having. I thought being better dressed would make me feel better about myself. I ordered them in my regular "big" size, reasoning that the brand is pretty generous in their sizing and often things run big for me. However, when the box came, only a couple of the dresses fit. There were two dresses that I had been really excited about that I just could not squeeze into. Yesterday I put one on, a black shirt dress...and it fits great! I haven't tried on the teal knee-length dress yet, but I'm hoping to wear it for Easter. I was going to include a picture of me in the dress today, but when we got home from Stations of the Cross last night, Addie wiped a face full of yogurt all over me. Mom life.

One thing that has really helped me not indulge this week: key lime Greek yogurt. The strange illusion known as Baader-Meinhoff phenomenon happens quite frequently with me...whether it's because of the way my mind works or because everyone's does, I'm not quite sure. You may have experienced it before...you buy a new vehicle that you never see around. Say, a gray Suburban. Suddenly there are gray Suburbans everywhere, including one that drives by your house multiple times a day.

So it happened with me around Christmas. I found a coconut-lime scented candle on clearance, and bought it for the bathroom. And then a sweet friend sent me a bottle of coconut-lime lotion, and every time I use it my mouth waters for key lime pie. The next time I was in the grocery section I wasn't thinking yogurt at all, but I looked over and the first thing that caught my eye was key lime yogurt. I now have half a fridge shelf dedicated to key lime yogurt! One of those yogurts a day makes me feel like I'm enjoying a piece of pie.

So often it is just a mind thing. When I think about it, I'm not really hungry very often. Many times I'm just restless, dissatisfied, and need to break the habit of trying to fix that with food.

In closing, I want to share one of my best weight-loss secrets: children. I never get to eat 100% of  anything I make myself. (It just so happens that yogurt is Addie's favorite food.) And whether it's toting them around on my hip, or doing planks with them sitting on my back, they are great exercise accompaniments! My weight-loss to date totals exactly one four year old Ian!

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 11

This month fatigue has set in. I've fallen away from exercising regularly again, other than the usual house work. I've continued to allow too many splurges on the weekends. I'm convinced both of these factors have been the reason for the scale's reluctance to move. I spend too much time and energy relosing weight gained back over the weekend.

Going back through previous years' food journal entries, I've realized that I always seem to hit this same wall three months into a new diet. However, it has always landed in April before, creating the illusion that I am unable to lose more than 5 pounds in that particular month...for whatever reason. April still may be a hard month, I don't know, but for now I'm sticking with the third month theory.

I have a confession to make: last night as we visited with good friends, there were plenty of great foods I really wanted to fill up on...foods that would have moved the scale in the wrong direction. I made up my mind to use yesterday's weight for today in case that happened. Although I would have been up front about it, and the only splurge I did allow was one tiny glass of wine, I realized this morning that I've been giving myself a whole lot of free passes. I shouldn't really be surprised at my lackluster results. And using a different day's weight wasn't the deal I made for myself in the beginning.

Coincidentally, today's weight was the exact same, down to the ounce, as yesterday's.

I have no good advice or recipes or anything else inspiring or profound to share, but consider this a formal switching of the tracks in my mind. Despite tiny results, I've reached another milestone in this journey: I have officially lost half the weight I hoped to lose. 34 pounds down, 34 to go.

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 10

I morphed a little bit this last week into the proverbial hare of tortoise-and-hare-race fame. Not the racing part, but the napping part...if you could possibly eat while napping. (I'm laughing here a bit maniacally, sipping my coffee, making my children wonder.) If we learned anything from the moral of the story, we know the hare's ego was his real undoing, while the tortoise was rewarded for his perseverance. But who's to say the tortoise didn't stop to catch his breath once in a while? There's something to be said for resting when you need to.

While I pretty much ate in moderation the first half of my week off, I didn't journal what I ate. The second half of the week I skipped giddily through Indulgence Forest, having been intoxicated by my newfound freedom. The foods I normally don't allow during Lent I made an exception for as a "birthday treat"--which was extended to a "birth week treat". I woke up Wednesday morning feeling achy and overall sickly, which cleared my head enough to realize my week was up. On the bright side, I snapped out of the spree before it became "birth month treat". My foray into SugarCarbLand cost me five pounds.

I just want to say a quick word about calories: not all calories are created equal. I think this is in part why so many Weight Watchers followers find success over a longer period of time. The point system is designed to not penalize you for eating good food. While I often mention calorie counting here as how I stay accountable and on track, I don't mention often enough that a whole lot of moderation and balance goes into what calories are consumed. There is such a thing as good fat, and I find if I restrict too much of it in an attempt to drop a lot of weight quickly, I end up with really bad headaches and I actually quit losing weight. However, eating nothing but high fat foods (even healthy fats) can cause health problems, such as an increased risk of cancer. Moderation and balance are the most important keys to a successful, healthy diet.

I'll end this post with the fantastic news that all of the baby weight I gained with Addie is gone!!! I hope to lose another 35 pounds. Almost half way there!

No Scale Saturday 2018: Week 9

My birthday was on Wednesday this week, therefore I decided to take the rest of the week off the scale. This is all part of the marathon, resting when needed. I needed a break from worrying about a number on a scale.

No worries, I'm not wandering too far from the wagon. As of Wednesday morning I had reached 30 pounds lost. But I am allowing certain foods in moderation...foods that I normally don't allow during Lent, much less during a "healthy lifestyle adjustment". Namely, pasta, bread, potato dishes. I think banning ourselves permanently from any food is as unhealthy (at least mentally) as binging on something. 

This week, instead of worrying about setting my food ducks up in a row, I've been garden planning. I'm planning what home improvements will be feasible with what time and budget we have to work with this year. I'm cleaning out drawers and totes and the attic room and selling what I can. The money I make I'm setting aside for the new bookcase we need for the school room. I'm making curriculum lists for what we need for next school year for when I order it in May, and shopping around to find the lowest prices of each book. 

Today we're heading out to go couch shopping. And this post wins the award for Shortest Post Ever on this blog! Have a great weekend!

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 8

This was a hard week, no getting around that. Last weekend's splurges took until Thursday to come off the scale. On Friday two pounds reappeared, despite staying faithfully within my calorie parameters. You guys, this getting healthy thing is just as much emotional work as it is physical. I cannot count how many times I wistfully dreamed of moving to Italy to live shamelessly off the local cuisine, since I've officially nailed this matronly figure thing. 😂

Jokes aside, amid my discouragement I had to remind myself that I had a pretty good week last week, and that I've come quite a ways since the first of the year. I decided to snap a photo for comparison.

In measurements:

Bust -5 inches

Waist -6 inches

Hips -5 inches

I've struggled most my life with body image issues and my weight. I remember suffering severe anxiety standing in the mirror at the age of 12, wondering why none of my clothes looked right on me...at least in my own mind. I was always self conscious. I started my first "diet" when I was only 12, and lost 18 pounds.

Thinking about Addie going through that in 11 years makes me incredibly sad. I never, ever want my daughter (or sons, for that matter) to feel like they have to look a certain way to be accepted. And I want to clarify, my own Mom never made me feel bad about my appearance or size, and I have no memory of Mom ever dieting, other than drinking Diet Coke. I had a friend who's mom was always on a diet. At supper she would sit on a stool at the corner of the table and drink but not eat. I thought it was the strangest thing, but it wasn't just that. I heard other people comment on their daughter's size, or make comments about others. Our society consistently puts "image" on a pedestal. And of course, I compared myself to them.

I found a post recently that made so much sense to me. Rather than try to paraphrase, I'm copying the majority of it here.

How to talk to your daughter about her body, step one: Don't talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.

Don't say anything if she's lost weight. Don't say anything if she's gained weight.

If you think your daughter's body looks amazing, don't say that. Here are some things you can say instead:

"You look so healthy!" is a great one. [I was told this a lot when I was younger, and I took it to mean "you have enough meat on your bones that you could miss a week of suppers and be just fine." I think eliminating "looks" from any compliment is a good idea. "You are healthy! You are strong!"]

Or how about, "You're looking so strong."

"I can see how happy you are -- you're glowing."

Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body.

Don't comment on other women's bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.

Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself.

Don't you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don't go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don't say, "I'm not eating carbs right now." Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.

Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that's a good thing sometimes.

Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you'll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn't absolutely in love with.

Teach your daughter how to cook kale.

Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.

Pass on your own mom's recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside.

Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It's easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don't. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.

Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul.
~ Sarah Koppelkam

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 7

This one is hopefully going to be short and sweet (my words tend to run away from me, something I'm trying to moderate). Eli is taking me out today for my birthday since he works on the actual day. I need to clean the front porch for the week yet, finish dishes, bathe the two littlest, and wrap up laundry before we head out after lunch.

Speaking of, running seven persons' clothing up stairs (without baskets) to put them away is great exercise! I usually have the three oldest boys put their own clothes away, but the last couple weeks I've opted to just do it myself. Oh the burning leg muscles. So good.

For any of you who weren't along for the first blogged weight loss journey, I'm pretty much following the same M.O. this time around. This is a link to the post describing my weight-loss routine.

This week, with Lent upon us, I didn't struggle with fasting like I have in the past. I now keep my food within the Lenten "three meals a day, two small that don't equal the size of the larger meal" instead eating a little something throughout the day, but the amount of food is about the same. I've been craving southwest style food so I've had some version of a southwest salad almost every day this week. Options for toppings: 2 oz. chicken breast, black beans (which substitute nicely for meat when I can't have it), cheddar cheese, onions, corn, tomatoes, olives, cilantro, sour cream (or Greek yogurt), and salsa or taco sauce. 

Best part of where I'm at on this journey right now: not feeling enslaved by my body. I have a long way to go yet, but everything I do now is easier. Clothes fit better, carrying my babies is easier, putting boots on is less of a struggle. And God has given me the grace to see that, even when I have an apparent bad week, or two, it gets better if I persevere and keep smiling through it. Fake it till you make it, right?

Edited to add: if you have to be out and about today, please slow down and be mindful of other drivers! The roads are nasty in our neck of the woods today! 

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 6

What happened on my last off weekend:

Partly because of this reckless deviation from my standards (ha!), I decided to try a little experiment this week. I decided not to weigh myself daily, and not at all after...well, Hot Wing Extravaganza. So I have not weighed myself since last Saturday. I had no idea how good or bad my splurges were for me in terms of pounds.

I'm not going to lie, it was hard not stepping on that scale. I almost broke down Wednesday morning out of curiosity. And Thursday, out of panic. I found myself freed of the frustration of the daily ups-and-downs of weight fluctuation, yet saddled in a parallel manner by anxiety in not knowing where I was, not to mention the massive amount of anxiety I felt in stepping on the scale this morning.

I also found myself allowing more junk food to creep in because the fear of seeing the scale move the next day was removed. The "I can fix it tomorrow" mentality started creeping in again with the junk. It wasn't a lot of junk...a couple handfuls of chips here and there just because someone left the bag on the counter...a handful of chocolate chips from the freezer after supper. But stopping was hard. Because of this little experiment I've learned that my personality thrives on guard rails and safety nets, and I will resume weighing myself daily.

Without further ado, here are the results of my no-weigh week:

Scale Saturday 2018: Week 5

I literally sighed as I started this post...here we go again! I sometimes feel as though I'm repeating myself over and over again. I'm sure it's not that far from the mark, as I spend the majority of my days performing the same menial tasks, and generally following the same routine. Since I don't plan on switching up my new health regime in the near future, and there is no exercise programs nor weight loss supplements I plan to try, I've considered postponing future Scale Saturday posts for the next month. Would it be less tedious for you all if I gave Scale Saturday posts a makeover as a monthly post rather than weekly? It's something I'll be contemplating over the next week.

One thing I'm definitely thankful for: in making myself resume weekly posts I've discovered that I do, in fact, have time to blog. Of course, considering the responsibilities of my life at the moment, one thing always takes the place of the other. Instead of curling up with a book and my coffee Saturday mornings, I'm holed up on the computer (which is fixed!) for the same amount of time.

I think this week was the hardest by far in terms of frustration. I was hangry all week long. Why does being hungry make me angry? Why does food take up so much of my thoughts? I've told Eli for me it's like being a drug addict who's trying to get clean, but who needs to take just a little bit of his drug daily for the rest of his life to stay alive: never enough to satisfy. Alcoholics can completely abstain from alcohol, but I still need to eat. And I enjoy eating way too much. There's plenty of psychological research on food addiction and unhealthy relationships with food. In a quick Google search I discovered there are even Food Addicts Anonymous groups.

Here's a little peek into my food world:

Our can cupboard looks like this when I'm on a diet. When I can't think of a "safe" meal to eat, or have no time to calculate how many calories are in whatever I'm making the boys: chicken and sausage gumbo it is, for a safe 240 calorie meal. Or tuna, for Fridays. Instead of mayo, I mix in a tablespoon of light Zesty Italian dressing at 13 calories. A can of tuna is 90 calories, so at 103 calories total I can add a vegetable to the side for a quick meal. 

This is another common meal for me: salads. It can be mixed up in so many different ways depending on how many calories I can spare on it. This particular salad plus peppers was 170 calories. Higher calorie options include 4 slices of shaved turkey (50 cals), 1/8 cup cheddar (55 calories instead of 40 for mozzarella), sunflower seeds, ranch, etc.

This was one of the most satisfying breakfasts I've had this week. Thank you, potatoes! If I'm going to eat heavier like this I try to do it earlier in the day. Usually. I made the "shell" of the omelet out of 4 egg whites (68 calories--with yolks it would have been 312 calories). The filling was about 3/4 cup of prefried potatoes O'Brien (guessing at about 40 calories of olive oil per portion of potatoes post frying, for 100 calories total), 1/4 cup cheddar cheese (110 calories), and 20 calories of salsa. Egg white, potato and cheese omelet: 298. I had a really hard time believing the calories in the potatoes weren't much higher than what they said, though, and recorded this as 400 calories in my food journal to be on the safe side.

Eli bought me a 12 pack of La Croix carbonated water around Christmas in an attempt to break a can-of-pop-a-day habit I allowed to creep in during December. I never drink diet "sodas" because of the fear of getting cancer from the artificial sweeteners (though regular pop isn't any better in that regard, I'm sure...it's a mind thing). I'm not sure what I was expecting, but my first taste of La Croix was not pleasant. It reminded me of the salt and soda concoction Mom would have us gargle when we had sore throats, and would in turn make me gag and get sick. I can't throw pricey things away, however, so started mixing La Croix with fruit juice in order to use it up. In the last couple months since I've drastically reduced my sugar intake, I've splurged on maybe two cans of pop. I decided to try La Croix again yesterday, and found it wasn't as awful as on first try. It was a nice mix-up in my mostly coffee and water day, and 0 calories.

And this was the result of an entire day of hangrily dreaming of highly fatty, melted cheese something or others to binge on. I made pizza last night for supper. Since it was Friday there was no meat on it, but "my" pizza included sauteed bell peppers and onions and green olives (while the boys had just cheese). I was moderate and only ate two slices (about 3x3" square) but I still felt guilty because it felt like such a splurge. I'm not sure how many calories it really was, but guessed it at about 500 calories.

I always gain a few pounds back over the weekend; this week I had four pounds to relose. I lost two new pounds after relosing the four.

In the month of January I lost a total of 20 pounds.