Today we made a large "Wal-Mart run". These used to be once a week stops for Eli after work, but have been scaled back to once every couple weeks or less now. I dislike Wal-Mart with a passion, and would love to find a convenient and economical way to not have to go there ever ever again. I was trying to delay the trip until Thursday, as we slowly ran out of essentials, hoping that I could convince Eli to keep the boys home with him so I wouldn't have to take the four of them with me.
No such luck. Eli found part-time work helping a friend, which turned into an all week job. Which is great. Really great.
I decided to bite the bullet today. I used up the rest of the coffee yesterday, which meant today was go time. I had been given a coupon for a free coffee at the gas station and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to use it. I imagined sipping my coffee during a peaceful morning drive with a little Vivaldi played on NPR in the background, boys contentedly staring out their windows at the fields of turning beans.... Disillusionment is grand.
We had a technician scheduled to come this afternoon to fix what was wrong with our internet router, and I figured if we left home by 9:00 we'd be back in plenty of time. I don't know why I'm such an optimist about time, but there's never as much of it as I think there is! As usual, no one could find both shoes, certain boys kept forgetting to put them on, another took a bath in PB&J, and another got lost in his room playing with the castle. By the time we got to Wal-Mart it was closer to lunch than breakfast. No problem, said optimistic Julie. We'll just run through the store.
Ha! Ian was sleeping and Liam's legs were out of commission when we got there, so I used an entire cart just for boys. Aidan is big enough to push a cart, but we're still working on the maturity part of operating one. So we ventured into the store with two carts. I had my heels bumper-carted half a dozen times before we reached the baby section. I currently have a kink in my neck from whipping my head around every few minutes to make sure he wasn't crashing into other shoppers (happened), crashing into shelves (happened), or lost in la-la-land, blocking the entire aisle (happened). I am NOT riding in a car with that boy. EVER.
Gavin got lost staring at a blow-up Grim Reaper, despite me calling out loudly that "WE'RE MOVING! LET'S GO GUYS!" several times. Little boys' eyes apparently don't work properly unless they can also touch, shake, and poke everything they see--despite Mom's warnings to keep hands off, keep hands in your pockets, HANG ON TO THE CART OR ELSE! One set of fumbly fingers dropped an ornament...it clinked and made a loud noise, but thankfully didn't break. An employee came running from an aisle over to see if she had a mess to clean up. I apologized and reassured her there was no broken glass. We did manage to break one jar of pickles and a jar of nail polish before we beat a hasty retreat to the check-outs.
"Running" through the store did not work, and the old adage "haste makes waste" was my theme for the day. We ended up zig-zagging across the store several times as I forgot to grab things, and went up and down the same aisles at least three times trying to find the economy-sized tub of taco seasoning.
Ian, bless his little soul, slept in his car seat up until I had one hard-to-find item left on the list--at which point he woke, and began emitting intermittent shrieks that made my heart seize up each time. Liam thought this was funny, and a great opportunity to exercise his vocal cords. I turned from grabbing said last item to see him plugging his ears and letting loose an eardrum shattering scream.
The looks I received as we retreated were about enough to make me cry along with Ian. My response to not-so-nice glares in the store is always to smile and say "Hi!", "Excuse us!" or "I'm so sorry!" We can never know the personal struggles that each person may be dealing with, and I know how hard it can be to force yourself to smile some days. Most the time people will at least smile back. Today all but two ladies completely ignored me, or gave me dirty looks. I also got dirty looks for using my phone, though I'm sure they didn't realize it was the calculator I was using, not texting. Every thing I put in the cart I had to add up so I wouldn't go over our budget.
In the check-out lane the internet guy called saying he was five minutes away. I apologized that we had been held up longer than expected at the store and we'd be home within the hour. He was very nice and accommodating about it, which was such a relief.
In the parking lot the van sustained another long squiggly scratch down the side from an abandoned cart as boys piled into the van. I climbed into the driver's seat with a pounding headache, feeling like my eyes were bugging out of my head. I had forgotten coffee in my haste to get the shopping done.
At home I just got boys and bags dragged into the house in time for the internet technician to arrive. I was beyond caring at that point what state the house was in, or what anybody thought of it, or the barking dog, or the wrestling kids, or anything. I brewed myself a pot of coffee as they worked at the computer, and started putting things away.
I dream at times for a way to plug myself in and recharge somehow. Time and resources always seem stretched so thin. I feel stretched so thin. My boys don't always misbehave, but they are always boys. Their manners, patience, and obedience are always a work in progress. And when behavior is not exemplary, I feel like a terrible mother. The strangers and passersby don't see the hours spent guiding, prompting, reassuring. Just as I can't see if they are struggling with a disease, the loss of a loved one, or mental illness. Perhaps the boys could sense my anxiety about what our cart-load was going to cost, how many things I'd have to set back on the shelves, the time it was going to take? Perhaps they get so excited the few times we go somewhere that they can't contain themselves? They know there are consequences to their actions.
After Eli got home tonight we found out he doesn't have any work tomorrow. He'll be home all day.
Hopefully today is not an indicator of how the rest of fall will go.
Happy Fall to the rest of you!
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