Mother

Mother

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

Life Lately, September 2020

Every fiber of my being is exhausted. All the kids are more or less in bed...I can occasionally hear some shenanigans going on. I thought I should be enjoying this rare interlude of (comparable) peace by doing something--anything--rather than staring idly into space. But it even felt like too much work to pick up my current read. So I catch myself repeatedly dosing over the keyboard instead.


An aunt recently recommended the book "I Was Anastasia," so I picked up a used copy on Amazon. It shows promise, but it's taking me a bit to get into it. I love novels about historical figures, and this one is about the executed Romanov family and the resurrection of a woman who claimed to be one of the daughters.

I just finished reading "Tuck Everlasting" to the kids. The oldest three loved the story. I tried to get the littlest two to listen but it was over their heads. It sparked some thoughtful discussions..."stone walls do not a prison make"...and produced some deep belly laughs. It was a story they hoped would not end and were asking for a sequel, and if we could find the movie.


We just started week 5 of school. I wish people would not ask how it's going. Some days feel successful, others make me wonder why I rolled out of bed. And every day I struggle to keep up with everything. Every day I wish for a moment to catch my breath, to take a break and then I'd have the energy to just do it all. I did gain a small (mountainous) victory at the end of last week by finally getting the laundry folded and put away. A week's worth of laundry, which is about 21 loads worth. I so enjoy looking at the bare wood of our lovely vintage dining table that I have been making the time and taking the effort to fold each load as it comes out of the dryer. You guys, THIS, to me, is self-care. And it's mostly about my mental health.


This was what the night before looked like, minus a stack of blankets 3 feet tall:


And how the kitchen ends up looking every morning by 10:00:


Some day the house will be clean, they say, and I will miss this. I can't see it yet.

My tendency to collect animals must not have been factored in. 

For we have added another furry member to our already crazy domicile. 
Meet Ash:


He is a silver lab, now 9 weeks old, and growing like a bad habit. In the two weeks we've had him he's devoured the amount of food that Mojo (our 8 pound Min Pin) eats in 3 months. Ash gained 5 pounds in one week alone, and I have a sneaking suspicion we will soon have a 90 pound lap dog on our hands. I mean legs. He is definitely a lovey snuggler. 


How we came about getting him was quite accidental. There was no plan. This is easier to imagine if you know me and my impulsive, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-ishness. A friend on Facebook posted what was left of a litter of labs and I sent a screenshot of the silver lab to Eli, who was at the grocery store. And JOKINGLY, you guys, I'm serious here, I said, "Yay! We're getting the silver one!" In my defense, every once in a while I feel like I need to get my husband's heart rate up for his overall health. This time, the joke was on me, because he got all excited and said he'd go pick him up, and how much money did he need? And once it had gone that far...I mean, how could you say no to that face? So that's how Ash came to be ours. House training is going great and he only has accidents when he's ignored sitting by the back door for too long. He's also confined to the kitchen until I'm sure he's not going to destroy the rest of the house. Which may be indefinitely.


Mojo took the high road at first, gracefully ignoring the interloper, probably thinking "this too shall pass"-- until it didn't. He is now snippy and contentious, avoiding the kitchen unless absolutely necessary. And the fact that they have to share the same 50 square feet of lawn to relieve themselves is almost beyond bearing. If a dog could tip-toe, that would be what Mojo does across the lawn. He's old and set in his ways, poor guy. And I'm almost positive he's part cat.


For Our Lady's birthday September 8th, Aidan made a "Gate of Heaven, Morning Star" cake. He was happy how it turned out--and it was delicious.


Eli and I have been trying to do more things together. It's easy to let life sweep you away and you wake up one morning not even sure if you know the person who has been sleeping next to you for so many years. Since most of the kids are old enough to watch themselves for short periods of time we have been getting out and visiting some of the local places. Last week we visited Swarm which has a reputation for delicious burgers. We each got a Bob's Burger: a one pound monstrosity stuffed with cheese, smothered in cheese. I got the BBQ curl fries and Eli got beer batter cheese and bacon fries (oh my goodness) and Addie had a cheeseburger, and ate the entire thing, which is really good for her. "I like this food!" she said. The big burgers were $16 a piece but worth every penny. We played a couple games of pool while we waited for our burgers. 



Now that it's taken me four nights of dosing over the keyboard to get this far, I'll leave it here.



Tuesday, September 1, 2020

Finding My Voice

The last two years have been the hardest of my life. While 2020 has become the year of awful things, for me this particular season of struggle precedes the pandemic and is completely unrelated. My weight has been a sheer roller-coaster during this time in testament to the struggle to manage my emotions. At our lowest we have somehow obtained the grace to move on to the next minute, then to the next hour, and we find ourselves waking day after day with hope that we will make it through to the next.

Such a dramatic introduction begs an explanation, but many of the stories we've lived are not just mine to tell. They belong also to the people I love and care for. 

Being there for a person sometimes means being a keeper of secrets, a shoulder to cry on, and a soft place to land when things are not going well. At other times it means being the voice of what's right and good in a world twisted, whispering when you want to scream, and getting knee-deep in the muck to help hold up someone who can't pull themselves out. God have mercy on me where I've failed.

I'm a pourer of emotions, which makes it difficult to write when I know I may give way to the indulgence of venting publicly. So I've gone back to my personal venting medium lately, the journal. Oh, how therapeutic it is! And once the frustration has been exhausted, I again feel free to share with others what is not quite so dramatic.

The overlapping of summer and school is the busiest and most challenging season for me. Guilt at having so many projects to finish outside collides with the need to have a strong start to the academic year and an orderly home to stave off chaos and stress. What I want to do is often at war with what I need to do...and oh! to have the wisdom to know the difference! It's enough to drive a person mad.

And yes, this is the "nowhere" post I chose to write to tell you that I intend to start blogging more again. I have to try at least once a year! <insert winky smiley face>

I'll end with a few photos of things that have given me peace during this crazy time.