The battle is twofold: it is with possessions, and also others' opinions of the lifestyles we build with those possessions. Things which were meant as a means to make a reasonably comfortable life and home have a way of accumulating, forming a sort of entity that suffocates and overwhelms. And unnecessary concern over what others think of the life I have built has dictated my actions for far too long. This presents itself in many different ways, but mostly as stress: stress about the maintenance of things, the kinds of things we have, and on and on.
I'm done apologizing for my home. I've often felt panic at unannounced visitors because they might see something I haven't done around the house, or see me with unruly hair or paint speckled clothes. Oh the horror of someone finding out I'm human! If something bothers me enough I need to work harder to change it, or adjust my standards so that I'm okay with it. The end goal here is a peaceful home and attitude, even if the house isn't always immaculate, isn't always fixed. We have to live within these walls, and making sure nothing ever gets fingerprinted or smudged or cluttered with projects is no way to live. This is why I'm trying so hard not to inflict ridiculous standards on my children. I'm done explaining to others why the dishes didn't get done, why there's clutter everywhere, why we still have the same old ugly floors in the house, why that boy still has peanut butter all over his face...or why I've gained 25 (or 50) lbs., for that matter. We all know why, deep down. (Besides the fact that five kids can trash a clean and tidy home in about 5.3 seconds.) Nothing here is perfect, it turns out. We're all human! We all struggle to keep on keeping on at times. For some it's harder than others: most days I feel like I'm really terrible at life in general. Yet I often have people ask me how I get so much done. My husband knows the truth of it: I start somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 projects a day, work at a manic speed soaked in anxiety, break five things in the process (including myself), freak out that I can't get everything done, and end the day exhausted, irritated that only a couple projects were completed, and drive myself and everyone in this house crazy. Stressful.
When we bought this house I thought it was huge. Coming from a house just half it's size, it was. But as we started moving things in, and boxes piled up, and rooms no longer echoed with space, I started feeling a tightness in my chest. A sort of panic gripped me that we had made a mistake! We had bought a house that was, in fact too small! How was all this going to fit? A few months later I discovered a thread of conversation online (the bane of housewives, I'm here to tell you) between women who were in a similar state of life: stay at home homeschooling mothers with many children. They were discussing the square footage of their homes, and it turns out I was right! Our home was too small! All these ladies were living in 2500-3500 square feet homes. At almost 1900 square feet, no wonder we were cramped, right? And the extraordinary situation of having only one bathroom? We may as well be living in a cabin in the woods!
The average size of the American home has nearly tripled over the last 50 years...to hold all our possessions. There are 300,000 items in the average American home. 25% of people with two-car garages don't have room to park cars inside them. 32% only have room for one vehicle. And still, one out of ten Americans rent offsite storage. The $8 billion home organization industry has more than doubled in size since the early 2000's, and it's growing at a rate of 10% a year.
It took my slow self some serious self-talks to realize the ridiculousness of my reasoning. I thought about my grandparents raising 11 children in what was then barely a three bedroom house, and probably not much more than 1200 square feet. I thought about the stories Mom told about sharing a double bed with two other sisters. I thought about the Soubirous family who lived and slept in one small room together. Often very great things come from so much less. It was not our home that was causing trouble, causing us so much stress. It was our possessions. Our home is the perfect size for our family. Our possessions have taken over. Our homes are not storage units. We waste an incredible amount of time cleaning and organizing things that we neither like, nor are they useful.
3.1% of the world's children live in America, but they own 40% of the toys consumed globally. GLOBALLY. The average 10 year old owns 238 toys--and plays with just 12 daily.
It sounds ridiculous when written down, but it is a genuine struggle to have the life everyone else thinks you should have--or what you think they expect of you. Even when you know it's none of their business, that others' opinions have nothing to do with your happiness, it is hard. Struggling with contentment is an issue for most people. How many of us secretly long to be the "perfect size", to have the trendiest clothes, to be completely pulled together at all times? I can't be, and I've tried. And it's unfair to expect anyone else to be.
Judging someone based on appearance or status (or possessions!) is a conditioned way of thinking that's very hard to break. For sure it's part of our fallen human nature; it's also partly why first impressions give me severe anxiety; my deeply seeded desire for perfection in all things is difficult to stifle. You walk into someone's house or you meet someone new and you have an instant opinion of the kind of person they are, whether it's a fair assessment or not. It takes time to train your mind to look at all things through the lens of charity (true love of our neighbor), and detachment from things that really don't matter.
It's not realistic to expect perfectly staged houses, perfectly toned muscles, sleek hair and blemish-free skin. It's awfully hard to live life when you're constantly putting things back in their places and making things perfect. Something's going to give. The more things that require maintenance in our lives, the more stress there will be, regardless of how laid back we try to be about it. Doesn't charity trump all? Shouldn't we spend more time on the relationships in our lives than on the work our possessions create for us? In the end, what I think of someone always boils down to how they treat me: not their size, or their looks, or what kind of house they live in or car they drive. Be happy that someone cared enough to stop by to visit, and stop stressing about the piles of laundry on the table and the jam on the backs of the chairs!
On average an American family spends $1700 on clothing in one year. The average American throws away 65 pounds of clothing per year. The average American woman owns 30 outfits: one for every day of the month. In 1930, that figure was nine. Americans spend more on shoes, jewelry, and watches annually ($100 billion) than on higher education.
While we can't control what people think of us, and it really shouldn't concern us, most people will take you at exactly the same value as you put on yourself. I've been reminded a lot lately to love myself through the journey. It's something I need reminded of often! We can be so very hard on ourselves at times, even for things we can't control. I've resolved this year to make changes to those things that I can change, to the things that really matter. Not for the world and its opinions, but for the health and happiness of my family and myself. This campaign to get back to basics will focus on the things we have that contribute to the kind of lifestyle we live.
I finished out last year in a state of frustration, and knew I had to do something differently in my life. It seemed that I had fallen off track in just about everything that meant anything to me. I was limping along but not excelling at anything, allowing myself to be spread too thin. At the beginning of this year I sat down with an empty notebook and began making lists, scribbling out notes as inspiration struck. It became my goal book for the changes my life needed.
It's amazing how writing things out for me can shed so much light on what I need to do. A few minutes jotting things down in a notebook highlighted what makes me happiest, what holds the most joy for me: simply God and my family, and anything that adds beauty to life and improves my relationship with both. An honest look at why I lost sight of that illustrated all the trivial gunk that I have allowed to creep in and usurp that joy.
What is my goal for our home?
Peace
Simplicity
Happiness
From unnecessary concern over opinions to unhealthy relationships, from my clothing to my food: this year for me will be an attempt to simplify, to minimize things, and minimize time taken away from what's truly important, from what fulfills me. I invite you to join me in getting back to the basics!
Read the next part of this series here: Back to Basic: Part 2
You may also enjoy:
The Great Purge: Part 1
The Great (Furniture) Purge: Part II
The (Not So) Great (Book) Purge: Part III
The Great (Mostly Clothing) Purge: Part IV
The Great Purge (Ready, Set...): Part V
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