An Apology

We live in an age when every little thing is microanalyzed in order to place the appropriate blame on who/why/what caused someone to behave badly. Very seldom do we see a person stand up to take responsibility for their own lack of control or ethics, their own faults or issues. Something I repeat over and over to the boys: You are the captains of your own souls. No one can ever make you do something that you shouldn't. 

Even as an adult it's so easy to fall prey to self pity and the spirit of entitlement. Why did someone say this to me? Why wasn't I given that? Don't I deserve better?

Life is hard for everyone. It is filled with mountains to climb and all manner of little annoyances. We can sit back all day and imagine this or that person has a more wonderful life, nicer home or car, is more organized, is kinder and much better liked than us. This is true especially in this age of filtered insta-life that we're fed on social media...including the blogosphere.

In the end, comparison is the thief of joy. We can never know how much someone else is hurting, or how hard they're trying. We all handle things differently, so what appears to us as something little may be monumental to another...and vice versa. This is why I try to share real-life with you all here. But is there such a thing as too real?

This Lent I've been getting real with myself. This has involved a lot of honest looks in the mirror and soul-searching, and I've been thinking about how I've painted all this for you, my readers. An embarrassing thought occurred to me recently: do more people come to my blog for inspiration? or as spectators at a train wreck? It's time for a healthy dose of accountability for myself.

I thought back to why I began this blog in the first place. I had been encouraged to write a book about the amusing aspects of motherhood and homeschooling: funny things boys do and say, the "scratch-your-head" moments, and thrifty living, with a sprinkling of our culinary adventures. I wanted to share with you the beauty of our Traditional Catholic faith as well, since there is so much confusion and misunderstanding about it. And sharing things I make here is a good way to market what I hope to some day sell to help my family. But mostly, I wanted to be inspiring. I wanted so much to build a happy place here, where you could come to smile, to laugh at the ridiculous, to shake your heads and commiserate with the every day ups and downs of motherhood. I wanted to make a safe, comfortable place here where you know that some days I get nothing done other than heating up leftovers to fill little bellies. This world needs more love, not griping. It needs people who are kind even if no kindness is repaid. It needs people who forgive and forget, no matter how great the offense.

I am here to apologize for failing in this regard. I apologize for unnecessary complaints I've made and for over sharing. I'm so sorry for any feelings I've hurt with harsh blanket statements. The honest truth is that, while writing is therapy that helps me work through issues, doing so privately is appropriate. Bombarding you as a way to vent, is not. Unfortunately, once the word is spoken it cannot be unsaid (and unread). I've gone back through posts and edited things, but the damage has already been done.

I apologize especially to my closest friends, if any find themselves here. Please forgive my thoughtless uncensored venting. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt any of you with my words, though in rereading some things I've written it's hard to see anything but. I am so grateful to you ladies who have stuck with me and lifted me up despite my downward spiral into self-destructive drama, and I hope to be a better friend in the future. I thank God for you.