I saw this photo shared recently, and it literally made me cringe. Obviously, there is no mention of the joy in watching a little human being grow and learn and mature, the love you feel as they wrap their little arms around your neck, the trust you see in their eyes when they come to you with a problem. The security and comfort in knowing that you'll have someone there to watch over you and take care of you with love as you age. No mention that most of the issues in "the kid" column are quickly resolved with consistent discipline. And that the "no kid" column is overtly selfish. True, it's not easing giving of yourself most hours of the day, but ultimately rewarding and honorable.
Let me start by saying, I'm sure it was posted because the person had been questioned one too many times about when they were going to have kids or why they didn't. However, if you pull out "that's why I don't have kids" as a response to me when my life is hitting the chaotic end of the gauge, please don't. Not everyone was meant to have children, true. But there are pros and cons to every blessed thing in this life. My children are literally the icing on my cake and the cherry in my Coke. They have shown me what God put me on this earth to do, and the restless feeling I had before they came--the feeling like something was missing in my life--is gone. There are rough days when I share some of the stress and you-wouldn't-believe-it-if-you-saw-it moments. Just to be clear here, I never share those things to complain, or to gain sympathy, but for amusement and in a spirit of solidarity with all the other mamas who are experiencing similar...amusements. I may not be there yet but I know someday I will be laughing right alongside you all.
Secondly, you should not have to explain to someone why or why not you have or have not anything. In this world of need to know, when every celebrity's every move is documented and dissected, when people talk freely about neighbors and friends and family without charity or discretion--who did what when and how--the average Joe who finds himself in most social circles will undoubtedly also find himself prey to the gossip hawks at some point or other.
The goal is to train yourself not to care. Haters gonna hate, right? In the end, it matters not one jot, speck, or scrap what anyone but God thinks of your decisions. Very easily said, not so easily done.
On the opposite end from the childless on the spectrum are the families that did not call it quits at the miraculous but acceptable 2.5 children. Like us.
A family with four children was once on the smaller side. Most the time there were only four left after children succumbed to illnesses and other tragedies. Now, though I don't see our family as large by any means, I find random strangers eyeballing my entourage of boys with strange expressions.
Even when they're behaving. I sometimes feel I should set up a tent and charge admission.
Oh but the comments I've received from the ever-so-bold (do I dare say ignorant? Because charity would dictate that I can't assume they're being malicious!) random strangers! Priceless.
For your
amusement (they certainly were for me!) here are a few comments that stick out in my mind.
While in a store with my Mom, two boys in my cart, one walking, and one over with Mom, a store employee actually came over to me and said, "Wow, is three enough?" I replied, "I guess not, since my fourth is over there with my Mom." She gaped and walked away.
At a social get-together a lady said, "So I see you have four boys now. Are you going to have more?" When I said, "Possibly," she also gaped (popular reaction, you'll find) and exclaimed, "I can't believe it's not off the table yet!"
While grieving the loss of my second miscarried baby, still deep in the pit of depression: "It's none of our business, but it probably wasn't the best time for you guys to have another baby anyway." This one cut deep. Our babies are not puppies that we collect every few years, or cars that we splurge on when we can. Children are not accessories, not conveniences. Children are blessings, and raising them well will be the most important job ever given us. They are the future of the world; future fathers and mothers and doctors and laborers; heroes.
"Each of our boys was planned." Honestly, if not by me, by God. And the responding, "Oh really?!" because no one in their right mind would plan to do this this many times. "You're not like Octomom, are you? Addicted to having babies?" Really? Or, "Are you competing with the Duggars?" It's getting old guys, and getting hard for me to force a polite chuckle anymore. I've heard it all before.
Recently a new neighbor commented, "So, you run a daycare over there, right?" This one had me in tears laughing. "Nope, they're all mine!"
Multiple times in a public place when clumsy little hands have dropped or knocked things over, there have been sighs and rolled eyes. I specifically remember one bag boy running the cart back to the store without closing the tailgate or saying a word, while Bugles cascaded from the backseat and into a pile on the pavement.
"Are you trying to beat the Brady bunch?" "No, all four are both his and mine. Thanks." Let me repeat, it's not all that unheard of for people to have four kids. Maybe it's the fact that they're all boys? Or that we haven't set an expiration date for procreation?
Everyone was having a bad day once. Someone was in the magical age of twos, but we were on our last roll of toilet paper and leaving the store without was not an option. The cart-bound boy decided it would be most effective to scream when I told him no treats. A woman who happened to be in the same aisle ran over to me and started fussing around my crabby toddler, trying to move him and asking, "Is he getting pinched? What's wrong with him?" I said, "He's just fine, he's throwing a fit because I said no. Excuse us." And I walked away. We run into the "this is my village" types about every outing, and they are very proactive about making sure your children
don't stand on that, don't play with that, and
ew don't eat that. Because really, it's been a full year since I've had to call Poison Control, and if you're that concerned about my children please talk to me before you admonish them yourself. Unless you're family or a very close friend. ;) I assume they think I ran out of the ability to manage
all of them the moment I ran out of arms. Yes, full arms, full heart. SO much better than empty arms.
Also plentiful on every outing are the passing commentators, most often who say some version of, "Wow, all boys? You're a brave woman, I couldn't do it!" (Are you allowed to return one when you don't get one of each?) This goes hand in hand with the "Oh honey!" comments, uttered with shaking heads. As if the situation I'm in was accidental.
Or the often stated, "At least they're boys, they're so much easier! You don't have the girl drama!" I just laugh. Anyone who says this has not met my oldest. Something as simple as a brother eating the last piece of something can have him in tears with the world ending. He had to sit in a different pew in church for a while (with Grandma and Grandpa) because the beauty of a girl in front of him was so distracting it was giving him the giggles. God bless him, he may make some woman a very sensitive husband some day.
And to the many many people who think we've "had so many" because we've been trying for a girl: you couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm most comfortable around boys, and I'm not quite sure what I'd do with a girl. I never had a sister, and very few close girlfriends. I was raised around mostly boys; it's what I know. I will be perfectly content if I never have a girl. I hope to be blessed with another baby...and if I am, I'm banking on it being another boy. I'd love to have another four or more (and this is where most people call me crazy, even my husband) but I don't at all think that's what God has planned for me. Especially since all my babies are necessarily C-sections. Time will tell.
I'm not sure what side of the good-bad comments list to place the one from the lady in a check-out lane who called me "Supermom." I'm sure she meant it with good will, but it made me feel the need to actually be "Supermom" and be on top of everything at all times. It's just not possible.
There are surprising moments when the kindness of strangers shines through, and makes all the other thoughtless comments mean nothing.
Several times we've been stopped, mostly by elderly people, who take visible joy in talking to little people. They mostly tell of their own grown children and grandchildren, and leave by telling the boys to listen to their mother, or give me a compliment on how good they're being.
Just yesterday I took the boys to Pizza Hut after Mass to redeem their Book It coupons. To quote Aidan, "We went to Mass, then we got pizza...then Wal-Mart and I got the Peanuts Movie Book? Can today get any more fabulous?" They were respectful and calm for boys (thank you, Jesus!) and I promised them cookies as a reward later. On our way out the waitress said, "You must be a great mom because you have such well-behaved boys." It was a good day. I can't help but think though, the other side of that coin would have me as a bad mom when behavior is not so great.
In the end, what others think does not matter, good or bad. Trying to follow what I believe is God's will for my life and do the best I can at it...laughing sometimes, whether appropriate or not...is all I can do about people's reactions to it.
Aidan declared it was time for a new "group photo" as little boys woke up and I got people ready for Mass yesterday morning. With Eli's new work schedule he hasn't been able to make it to Mass with us.
My little gentlemen and me.
I had to document our successful trip to Pizza Hut. And I highly recommend their "Pretzel Piggy" pizza. So so good!
