How to Forgive + How to Heal + The Hoax About Trust

If you're human, you have experienced the need to forgive someone. Now, you may be one of that amazing breed of persons who is not overly sensitive, who lets things go easily, realizing the truth behind grudges and allows slights to roll off you like water off a duck's back. This post is probably not for you.

I am not one of those people. What's more, for the majority of my life I have felt the desire to be judge, jury, and executioner to the people who have done me wrong. Justice! I want justice! There was a time when I prided myself in snarky retorts and clever comebacks. I'm ashamed to admit that in the past I even fancied myself queen of the keyboard warriors.

Aren't we told to forgive and forget? How in the world can I forget some of the things that have broken me? How can I just dismiss the things that have twisted me, made me into a different person, even? Doesn't forgiveness make me a doormat? If I stay loyal to someone who has betrayed me, doesn't that make me a fool?

As someone who prays daily the "Our Father," I understood that I was asking God to forgive me "as [I] forgive those who trespass against [me.]" Every day I literally ask to be forgiven in the same way I forgive others...so if I can't forgive, I cannot expect to be forgiven by God. The more I pondered this conundrum, the more confused I became. It dawned on me: I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO FORGIVE.

The unforgiven sat in my heart like tumors spreading their poison, making me physically sick. Anxiety and anger dominated my emotions and left me constantly uneasy. Studies show that nursing a resentment or bitterness raises blood pressure, increases depression, drains the immune system, and causes severe stress to the whole body. It became clear, something had to change. I began to research all things forgiveness to see if I could decode this puzzle. The definition was pretty clear: forgiveness is the intentional, voluntary decision to let go of feelings of resentment and vengeance toward someone who has harmed you.

Well. That sounds like a LOT of hard work. How do you just...let it go? Studies have shown it can take upwards of two years to heal from an emotional shock. As much as we dislike those feelings of vengeance, anger, and resentment, it can be much easier to blame the offender and let those feelings fester than to work past them. It can twist us into pretty bitter people and may actually disable many parts of our lives. Forgiveness is worth it, which means we have to expect it to take time...AND hard work.

• The first step was obvious: I had to think differently about the offender. We often define people by every little thing they've done wrong. Humility plays a huge part in changing your opinion of someone. Thinking honestly about things I have done in the past, I have treated others just as bad, if not worse. I, too, have behaved in incredibly selfish ways, and have thoughtlessly hurt those around me. It could just as easily have been ME needing forgiveness. I've been given more second chances than I deserve. And we're all so very different, all marching to a different tune, we can't judge a person's intentions. We leave that to God. Neither can we control a person, making them shape up to our expectations (nor should we).

• Next, put things in perspective. In the grand scheme of things, what does it matter? If we properly order our affections, God comes first and foremost, and He told us to turn the other cheek, do good to those who persecute you. It's in no one's job description to make you happy, so that expectation needs to go. Amazing growth comes from this step, and peace will begin to fill the soul. One of the most healing things is praying sincerely for someone who has hurt you. Let go of the pity, let go of the selfishness.

• Now: let it go...LET IT GOOOO! Holding onto the debt someone owes us or the wrong they did us is like holding onto the blade of the knife they stabbed you with. You want desperately for them (and maybe even everyone else) to see what they have done, to admit it, to make up for it. "I will not let go of this blade until you acknowledge how deeply you've stabbed me!" The consequences should be so obvious: holding onto a blade will cut you, and as long as you keep holding onto that blade, it will keep on cutting you. Letting go is so hard, but necessary. This is the forgetting part, which I feel is the most confusing because "forget" is not exactly the right word. You may never forget, but you choose to stop dwelling on it. It means that every single blessed time the reminder of a grudge or a wrong pops in your head, you dismiss it. You distract yourself, you refuse to give that thought the time of day, you refuse to pour any more energy into it. This is essentially obsession versus discipline (control over your own mind). Those thoughts may come to mind a hundred times an hour, but as long as you discipline yourself to dismiss them and refuse to obsess over them, they'll eventually fade and may even go away altogether.

• But what about justice? Don't they have to pay for what they've done? Very simply: yes. Forgiving someone does not let them off the hook. But it's not our job to dole out justice. This freeing realization is the last step in the forgiveness journey. Let God deal with it! Every single one of us has to stand in front of the judgement seat one day, in the presence of every single being who has ever lived, and will be held accountable for every offense we have committed. No one will be able to hide their true intentions. I don't know about you, but this thought inspires more fear in me than satisfaction.

How to heal.... Along with the process described above, fill your life with kindness, with positivity. It may be necessary to discern your relationships with certain people: who do you owe loyalty to? Even though you have forgiven someone, you may have to reduce contact or cut them out of your life altogether if they have a poisonous effect on you. Especially discerning relationships that will result in a serious commitment, like marriage: it is so important to not ignore red flags. Those things that concern you in the beginning that you may dismiss most likely will become big problems down the road.

Finally, the hoax about trust: I have been told so many times that there is no love without trust. In my youth I believed this lie. I was made to feel guilty about questioning someone I said I loved. Simple logic debunks this claim. First, define love. Society defines love as a feeling of deep affection for someone. I can feel affection for someone and still have the sense to know they lie to me every day. Common sense then tells me that I cannot trust them to tell the truth, and brings up other questions about their character and intentions. Spiritually, the truest, highest love is defined as charity. Charity is wanting for a person the good we want for ourselves. Charity is loving others as much as we love ourselves. This is the love Jesus told us to have for everyone. Do you think Jesus expected us to unexclusively trust everyone? It is possible to want all good for someone, to wish every blessing upon someone, yet not trust them. 

This is how, step by tiny step, I am rebuilding my own peace and damaged relationships. I sincerely hope it helps you in some way!