Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

This post was originally a venting medium for me from years ago; a place to rant and explain myself and say things to sound them out. It was never published or even finished because each time it did its job: it worked me out of the mood I was in. It's amazing how writing things down can be so effective at loosing the knots of my mind and heart.

This time of year is hard, from November through April. And so I find myself here again, editing, adding, deleting...wondering if this will be the time I finally pull the plug and publish. Some winters are harder than others, and this is shaping up to be one of the harder. I feel the malicious weight of depression settling over me again, the rasping whispers of anxiety: "Something bad is going to happen. Something bad is happening." 

I'd like to think I've improved since the very beginning of this post. After all, if we're not progressing we're essentially regressing. But I still find myself falling into the same pits: letting a word, or an imagined slight, totally devastate me; wondering if I disappeared, would anyone notice? Why try so hard when it doesn't seem to matter. I know this funk will pass as spring approaches; it usually does. This restless darkness that hovers over my soul this time of year makes it hard to see through to the other side, to banish the desire to burn all bridges and run away.

It's inevitable that we suffer disappointment in this life. Only God will never let you down, and each difficulty should remind us that we really don't belong here. These lessons are often learned the hard way. I'd like to think God keeps allowing upsets to occur to illustrate for me how much more I should trust in Him, and not expect so much. He's asking for greater humility. Maybe the lack of success I've seen in nearly everything I've attempted recently are lessons that will eventually bring me unfathomable happiness. It's comforting to think that God wants me for Himself. "I cannot promise to make you happy in this life, but in the next."

My temperament, melancholic, makes me feel the strong need to explain myself in great detail. I have an overwhelming desire for people to understand me, to know what makes me happy, and exactly how I hurt. This often leads to oversharing with those who are close to me. Knowing this about myself helps curb the tidal wave of emotions that sometimes threatens to drown me and everyone in proximity to me. It's one of the reasons I was hesitant to start a blog in the first place. There's a constant battle against my nature, to not explain everything away.

Understanding one's own temperament is a huge key to happiness and success. I expect the worst of my melancholic temperament to rear its ugly head during the cold months and try to leave for myself as many crutches as I can. I've even considered giving up blogging entirely through the winter, simply because it's so difficult to keep my tone positive. I set out the most helpful books that have proven to get me through in the past. I make sure the porch is outfitted with well organized winter gear early so getting outside for fresh air isn't such a hurdle. I fill my calendar with events that could get us out of the house so I'm not spinning my wheels wondering where we should go. I light candles, I play calming music, I pray, and I fight.

I had never heard of the temperaments until a young man I was writing to flew across the country to meet the 19 year old me. We had gone canoeing with my brother as chaperone. As I sat on a sandy beach half-heartedly searching for agates to fill the awkward gaps in our conversation, he suddenly asked what my temperament was. I sat there doing the "Ah...er...huh?" number as he awkwardly tried to explain. (Awkward was the word that ultimately defined our relationship, in case you were wondering.)

There are four fundamental personality types, called temperaments: choleric, sanguine, melancholic, and phlegmatic. The Greek physician, Hippocrates, implemented the temperaments as part of his medical theory in the 4th century BC; later the physician Galen developed the temperament typology.




The Four Temperaments: Choleric (extroverted and short-tempered), Sanguine (optimistic and social), Melancholic (introverted and sensitive), and Phlegmatic (relaxed and peaceful).

These depictions are comical, but so descriptive. I'm afraid I give my boys the "Melancholicus" face quite often. 

I highly recommend the book The Temperament God Gave You to discern your own temperament and what makes you tick. If you have kids The Temperament God Gave Your Kids is great to help them control themselves, help them thrive, and find the discipline method that works best for each child.

My lesser temperament, phlegmatic, helps balance me out. I try to draw as much as I can from my deep desire for peace and restfulness and aversion to conflict. It's always a balancing act.

The truth is, if all of us gave in to the nature of our temperaments, the world would be a very ugly place. Fighting for moderation, for balance against our inclinations in a world that is constantly screaming at us to "be ourselves", is increasingly hard for people to understand. When we step out of our comfort zone and adopt virtues (which are simply good habits) that oppose the weak points (bad habits, which are vices) of our temperaments is when we can accomplish great things. We were not created as great beings, but with the potential to become great by much hard work. Our quest for true happiness will only be made easier if we understand the building blocks we were given for that purpose.

God revealed to St. Catherine of Siena in the Dialogue:

To one person I give charity as the primary virtue, to another justice, to another humility, to another a lively faith or prudence or temperance or patience, and to still another, courage. These and many other virtues I give differently to different souls, and the soul is most at ease with that virtue which has been made primary for her.... Thus I have given you reason -- necessity, in fact -- to practice mutual charity.

We're all waging battle as long as we're earthbound. Some of you may personally understand my battle, others will not. One thing we all share: not one of us can ever really know what another is grappling with. This makes it all the more necessary to always be kind to one another.