I did less than half of what I did for Christmas last year, and yet it was still exhausting. Maybe I'm just getting old. I'm pretty sure I'm falling apart. My carpal tunnel has not gotten any better since Thanksgiving, and I may have actually caused nerve damage this time. I will need to have surgery after this baby is born. Even sleeping is a challenge with the pains running down my arms and hands, leading me to believe there's more than just carpal tunnel at play. I've also had mysterious shooting pains running from my lower back down my leg and muscle spasms in my lower back. Spring can't come soon enough for so many reasons.
I let things go yesterday (a Saturday), when I usually spend all day cleaning, organizing, and straightening for a restful Sunday and a better start to Monday. I was just tired, and couldn't bring myself to start the marathon. I picked up a book I had been wanting to read for three weeks. In three weeks' time I hadn't even found a moment to flip it open to read the dust jacket. That was a sad realization, and probably the biggest cause for my homemaking strike. So I settled down on the reading couch in the school room with a blanket, plopped my legs up on the piles of school books still littering the coffee table, and got lost in a book for once. I had the entire thing read before I went to bed last night.
The book was "The Magnolia Story", which tells the history behind Chip and Joanna Gaines' marriage, real estate and home renovation and design companies, and hit TV show. For the last two years I've kept up with their show "Fixer Upper" (first on HGTV and then on Amazon video). It has become a happy place for me, and the book had me crying by page 27 (not that hard of a task lately). Chip Gaines is hilarious, and the book is written like they both speak. You never know what odd thing is going to come out of Chip's mouth. I feel Joanna is a kindred spirit, being an introvert like myself, and often flabbergasted at her husband's antics. I dream of starting my own home decor/craft shop someday; she just made her dream happen much sooner and in a much bigger way than I would ever be comfortable with. The Magnolia website includes their shop, Joanna's blog, and more.
Homeschooling has been an increasing challenge this school year, and getting everything done some weeks is close to a miracle. Attitudes are flaring, concentration is at an all-time low, and we're all bouncing off the walls--some literally, like Ian and Liam, while I just participate in my mind. I keep thinking there has to be a change, something has to change, we can't keep going like this.
Too many times I pick the quick, easy way to entertain the boys in the afternoon or evening: stick in a movie so they'll be quiet or settle down so I can get something else done. How many times do I tell them "Wait until I'm done with this" or "It's too late, I'm tired, maybe tomorrow" when they want to do something with me? Half of Aidan's life at home is over already; has it been full of wholesome things? It seems like every day I'm reminded of something we have not gotten done. I'm seriously wondering if we completely gave up TV and videos, would we find more time? Would behavior be better? Could I get my husband to agree to a TV-free trial run? There's no end to the things I can pick myself apart about.
It was refreshing to read in "The Magnolia Story" that Joanna felt the same way, despite having gorgeous houses, and a supportive husband. She mentions that people mostly only share the pretty pictures of their homes, the amazing accomplishments, leaving many people feeling that they can never do enough, that they are inadequate. And yet, you do not see pictures of her messes either! In the Gaines' 12 years of marriage they have never had a TV, and they found a closer bond in their family and more quality time. What it boiled down to for her, and ultimately does for most people, is that you have to flip a switch in your mind. Looking at things from a different point of view can make all the difference most times. For her, the realization was that her four children had to feel as at home in their "designer" homes as she did. She resolved to stop yelling when they spilled things or got dirty fingerprints on her clean slipcovers. Not only that, but instead of running to wash everything and pick it all up right away, she would spend more time playing with them. I remember reading the story of a saint whose mother often joined in on the boisterous games her children played.
I'm trying, though it feels like it's a losing battle. I was embarrassed to wake up this morning to find my husband's supervisor had stopped by after work (Eli has been on his week of overnights, which is like a week of single-parenting for me). I barely escaped to another room to avoid being seen with hair sticking out every which way, furtively surveying the chaos that was our home. Why hadn't I taken the time yesterday to clean? I could have at least put the folded laundry away! Why hadn't I made Aidan and Gavin do the dishes, which is their chore every evening? What does my house say about me? Do people think I'm lazy? Mothers of children, especially small children, know that a home can go from tidy to trashed in less than an hour. And despite the promptings, the "training" to clean and organize I've put the boys through, they cannot seem to see the messes I see.
Then, THEN I find out that my husband was made fun of at work because his work shirt was wrinkled, and all the good "I-actually-took-a-break-and-read-a-book" feelings were gone. Is it pride that makes me feel that way? It embarrassed me, because of course it's my job to take care of the laundry around here. I also felt very defensive about it. "Does he know this and that? Doesn't he understand this or that? WHO has time to iron cotton workshirts that end up plastered in corn mash and grease by the end of the night?" Of course, all the excuses end in the ultimate answer: my life is built of choices I've made and circumstances God has allowed. Who am I to complain? I know most mothers struggle with housework at least occasionally. Do I have unreal expectations about the condition the house should be in? I know that a lot of mothers with "more than the standard" number of children feel less and less free to talk about the struggles of everyday life because somehow their decision to have or allow a large family takes away their right to struggle. And voicing these struggles gives fuel to the people out there who think it's irresponsible to have so many children. What is going on, people?
So, for your viewing pleasure, here is the state of the house in which we welcomed the new year. I wanted to take a picture when it was all decorated and nice for fall, but I never made time for that blog post. So now when I've made time...this is what I get.
Ian decided to shuffle around the house last night with a cup on his head (that most likely recently held orange juice or milk) while his brothers chanted, "Hail King of the Cups!" The vacuum sits in the corner like a sad monument to good intentions gone bad.
The dining room table...somewhere under all that.
The living room, where blankets and pillows belong on the floor and random bits of paper prove that occasionally we attempt scholarly pursuits...or handmade confetti.
The wagon Ian got for Christmas is our new linen closet. Both punching balloons Liam got for Christmas are popped: this one lost its weight at the bottom.
The kitchen mess. Were memories made in the process? Well, I decided to have the boys do dishes an hour after this photo was taken, and an avalanche of clean dishes ensued. I spent the next hour scrubbing the shattered remains of a Pyrex bowl from every inch of the floor.
The school room. We need a bigger coffee table.
And then Ian ate lunch. There was tomato sauce splattered in a 5 foot radius all around him. Those dark spots on the rug? Sauce.
Have I mentioned that we're potty training here again? Its one of my favorite past times. Little guy was so kind and tried to clean up his accident with a kitchen washcloth before he ran to tell me (or grunt and point) at what happened.
And last but not least, Gavin and Liam's room. It doesn't help it doubles as the play room, but...yikes. I know what we're doing tomorrow.
On a happier note, this is Aidan and Ian's room. I hope we will be able to afford new carpet upstairs this year, but until then we're dealing with the ugliness of the floor.
Sometimes all I can think about is how far south I can drive with the gas that's in the tank, and will it get me someplace warm where I can stand in the sun and soak up enough rays to get me through the next four months?
I love you, and you're an inspiration. - Carly
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