Our Favorite Christmas Read-Alouds

I'm pretty sure we're all still running on survival mode around here, but I wanted to check in and report that we are, in fact, still alive. I am holding fast to the illusion that things will slow down after Christmas so that I can catch up on...well, all the things.

Now more than ever I need the reminder to just stop and enjoy this time. There will never be another day just like this one, when my babies are this young, this small. They all (thankfully!) still enjoy being read to, and it's one of our favorite ways to spend time together. These are currently the top five books on our Christmas reading list. I realized after collecting the books from the four corners of the house that they're all written from animal viewpoints.

5. Mortimer's Christmas Manger



The little boys especially like this story, and the dramatization of a mouse fighting plastic nativity figures for a warm bed.

4. The Friendly Beasts



I knew the words to this story by heart before I bought the book, which was a pleasant surprise. I can never just read the book, I sing it...to my boys' dismay. Hehehe Other times I play this version while holding the book open to the appropriate page:

3. The Christmas Fox



Another tale of the reverence animals showed Our Lord the night He was born. The illustrations in this book are beautiful, so soft and colorful.

2. Humphrey's First Christmas



All the boys roll with laughter at the beginning of this book. Poor Humphrey has an inflated ego, and the illustrations add to the comical, or ridiculous, view he has of himself. In the end he discovers Who really deserves honor.

1. Room for a Little One



This made number one on the list because it makes me cry. Every time. I'm ok till I get to the last page, and then...well, I don't want to spoil it! The illustrations of the dog's face in the book are a little goofy, but not enough to knock it down a spot. The cover is enough of an explanation.

Do you have favorite reads you pull out every Christmas? We're always looking to add to our library and appreciate suggestions!

Front Porch Makeover (on a Budget)

This fall I finished our front porch renovation! This is a "Before & After" journey.

This is how the front porch looked in April, 2016, the first time we walked through the house with the realtor. (I took pictures every time we viewed houses so we could look back at things during the decision making processes.) Something about this photo reminds me of my childhood dentist's waiting room. It's so strange that something like that can cause residual anxiety.

Look at those heavy curtains! They were the first thing to go.

July 2016, right after we moved in. Things were moved around a bit before we found an arrangement that worked, but the chair stood the test of time in that corner. The dresser was given to us by a family member and held most of the outdoor gear. (The missing mirror from the dresser is the one I plan to use above the sink in the bathroom.)

This is how the porch has looked since last fall. Our first upgrade was the coat hooks along the far west wall since the porch doubles as a mudroom. It's simply a 1x6 board I painted white, attached 6 large coat hooks (from Wal-Mart) to, and Eli screwed the board into the wall. Shoe storage with this many people is tricky. They are everywhere. The shoe ladder I made a couple years ago is still going strong.

The next thing to get updated was the little light by the porch door this summer. Previously it was a little mason jar light that had lost its mason jar cover for the bulb. I found this light fixture on Amazon. 

You may also notice that one of the railings is missing on the steps. Boys tend to swing around anything they can hang on to when they're navigating stairs. The railing gave out this summer, which is when we discovered that the edges of the concrete steps are crumbling away under the lovely green outdoor carpet. (Why was this so popular?!) The plan is to build a new wooden landing/stoop and stairs over the concrete steps next summer. The raised bed on each side of the steps will be raked clean of rocks and I hope to start an herb bed there.

The dresser that held our snow pants, hats, mittens, hoodies, and porch (formerly back door) rugs for the past three years was ready to retire...it took a wrestling match to get the drawers open, and sometimes they won. I asked Eli to build a storage bench against the west wall under the coat hooks. (The bucket briefly housed a "pet" grasshopper the boys names Pickles...or Steve. I can't remember. He lived there for a week before I made them release him.)

Now, building things is not so much Eli's forte but mine; however, he has a strong desire to learn and make a hobby of wood working. I drew up my "plan" for the bench, said a prayer, and walked away. It took a colossal effort on both our parts (mostly will power in biting our tongues) to make this happen...some feelings were hurt along the way (ha!). But it got done and it works so much better for us than the dresser.

We had literally no extra money to put into this bench, so we only used things we had on hand (minus the hinges and a 1x10 and 1x8 for the lid). Eli salvaged the 2x4's from a scrap pile at one of his last manufacturing jobs (and yes, the pile moved with us last summer). Wood is like gold around here. The white panels are scraps of beadboard leftover from the bathroom and laundry wainscoting projects. I used the leftover Glidden High Endurance paint that I've used to redo the computer desk, school bookcase, porch chair, etc. 

I stained the door/top with Minwax gel stain that I had leftover from previous projects. This was done a few weeks later so I could finish painting the porch walls before the door was put on.

A tote inside holds hoodies; snow pants are on the left. The paneling and old flooring remain intact inside the bench, like a time capsule of what once was. 

I used two coats of Zinsser Bullseye primer (because it was cheaper than KILZ) on the paneling before I started painting. The mirrored shelf with hooks on the wall to the right of the coat hooks I found at a garage sale last spring. It was a redish color, so I primed and painted it white with chalkboard painted panels to match.

The change was pretty dramatic. It reminded me of Narnia under the spell of the White Witch.

The yellow paint I used was ColorPlace "Lemon Ice" in satin finish, and was leftover from Aidan's bedroom makeover (which will be a different post). The bad thing I've found about most yellow paint is that it does not cover well. It took 3-5 coats in most places.

The white paint I used for the trim, sills, and baseboard was ColorPlace exterior white. I removed and tossed all the vinyl mini blinds and their hardware, and removed all nails and curtain hangers (and yards of 2-sided tape!!!) from the trim. I also pulled out the non-working doorbell wire that ran the width of the porch and filled all holes in trim and paneling with wood filler and sanded it. The sills were chipped and peeling from the windows being left open all summer and needed to be scraped, primed, and painted. 

I had to get a visual of what the new floor would look like against the paint colors.

I also switched out the cracked black plastic outlet and switch plates with metal oil rubbed bronze plates. (I'm slowly getting all the plates changed in the house as I get each room done.)

I won't tell you how many "sit down and enjoy the progress made" breaks I took. It was a lot.

I did half of the porch at a time. It saved having to shuffle stuff around constantly. This was the start of the east side. There were cracks in the tile flooring that I leveled with wood filler to make the most even surface possible for the new floor.

East side painted! The bamboo roll-up blinds I found here at Big Lots for only $25.

Laying out the pattern for the flooring, I went with a 1/3 plank stagger. I bought the vinyl, self-adhesive tiles from Amazon last summer. I was honestly worried they were too silver when I first saw them, but I love how it turned out. In my "home renovation mind" I really wanted a wood-look tile floor...which would have required removing baseboards, ripping up the existing linoleum tiles, laying thinset or mastic, grouting, getting a tile cutter, and the likelihood that tiles would crack as the concrete underneath settles. Not to mention the cost, and how slippery most tile gets when wet. While the cost of these particular vinyl tiles has increased significantly on Amazon since last summer, they were a pretty cheap flooring option initially. Most of the cuts I made with a scissors. After reading reviews I chose to also glue the tiles down with DAP Weldwood floor adhesive instead of relying on the self-adhesive to hold up.

This is how far I got the first day.

Temps had dipped down into the 30's by the time I tackled the floor, so I ran a little heater in the porch until the adhesive dried. It was like having a whole new room in the house.

Only a couple pieces left to install! I
 discovered working with floor adhesive is not pleasant. I had to keep a warm soapy rag in arms reach.

The east end completed! 

Mojo was soaking up the heat while he could.

The west end completed!

I tried to total how much the porch makeover cost, and while I may be missing a few things, this number is pretty close. I didn't count the black paint or stain that I already had on hand because I used a pretty minimal amount of each. 

• Zinsser Bullseye Primer: $19
• ColorPlace White Exterior paint: $18
• 1/2 gallon ColorPlace "Lemon Ice" paint: $6
• 6 oil rubbed bronze coat hooks: $18
• New wood for bench door and hooks: $26
• Hinges: $6
• Switchplate and outlet covers: $8
• Bamboo blinds: $25
• DAP floor adhesive: $6
• Vinyl plank flooring: $90

For a Grand Total of: $222!

Good-night Monday

You know what my favorite part of Monday's are? Bed time. Especially this Monday. It's been another one of those days, though I'll spare you from specifics. Well, most the specifics. All mothers have those days, or whole strings of those days. My day can't even begin to compare to the horrific day so many had...the news today has just been awful. The mass shootings in Vegas, Tom Petty, someone's good friend died, another's dog died. This was one of those days best spent unplugged from it all.

In my little world, when I don't get homework checked Saturday or Sunday, there is a mountain of books staring me in the eye Monday. I found myself still at it at 7:30 tonight. I let the boys make their own supper with little supervision (I do not recommend this!) so I could keep on working after we said the rosary. I found myself staring off into space, with feelings of frustration creeping in. I've been working on coping mechanisms, and getting back to simplicity is one of the best things I can do to keep my sanity.

I went to look for some hoogly. I'll explain it better later, but it's a word I'm borrowing (stealing?) from another blogger/Youtuber, that essentially means simple, cozy comfort. Some of you may be familiar with the Danish word hygge that has become wildly popular in the last couple years (and for that reason I chose to never use it). I do love to say hoogly. Hoogly makes me laugh. Hoogly fits me better than hygge.

This is my hoogly tonight.

I made myself a hot cup of chai tea...sweetened with a little raw honey...and shut everything down. 

We went upstairs early. My littlest babies cuddled with me in the rocking chair while the big boys gathered around. We read stories. I stopped to answer questions every time they were asked instead of chiding the interruption. And then I went to bed at the same time as my little people. 

My baby girl is breathing softly next to me as I write. I took the quiet time I needed to find the sanctuary of my soul and talked to God there. While I didn't get the extra sleep I probably needed, I again feel at peace. 

It's All Gonna Be Alright

I want to thank all of you mamas out there who reached out to me to share your own struggles and offer words of encouragement after my "Finding Beauty" post. The boys and I said a rosary for you all.

While I'm not always entirely certain which direction a blog post will go when I begin writing, I generally try to keep the tone uplifting and inspiring--at the very least, humorous. Obviously I don't always succeed, as was the case with "Finding Beauty". I apologize to any of you who felt worse after reading the post.

I feel the need to clarify that it was about no one in particular, and my life in general. I like to touch on real life topics in my posts, as in my "Depression" post, and in my miscarriage post. Unfortunately, life is often messy, confusing, overwhelming, and hectic. I try to end each post with a positive thought, or the redirection/inspiration that helped me out of my rut. Just writing things out often makes a big difference for me. But Satan is hard at work among us, sewing seeds of hate and discord. I was hurting when I wrote it, and hurt people hurt people. I should have looked for another way to unburden myself of the sorrow I was carrying.

My blog is public for a reason, so please don't hesitate to message me if you feel so inclined to. I prefer messages of positivity as much as the rest of you, but if you feel the need to vent I'm here to listen.

This illustrates how naive I've been, but in the past I honestly thought that I was the only one who struggled like I did. The first articles I ever read describing in detail women/mothers dealing with some of the same things I've experienced gave me such a sense of relief--literally like a weight was lifted--knowing I wasn't alone, I wasn't the dysfunctional being I felt like. My blog is public to reach out to those mamas who feel alone, who feel they have no one to confide in, who feel out of place in what should be encouraging, supportive circles in their lives. God put us on this earth together to help each other, to lean on each other, to listen to each other, to uplift each other, as very few of us are actually called to be hermits.

So, in that same spirit, I'm going to share a few things that helped me get my head above water when I was really struggling. (Starting with the most obvious....)

• Prayer (in a dark, quiet place, and persevere even when it's hard to think). This seems so obvious, but when I'm really anxious and can barely form a cohesive thought, I beg my Guardian Angel to pray in my place. That's what they're there for. Literally, over and over: Guardian Angel, pray for me. Guardian Angel, pray for me. 
• Read inspiring stories, or old stand-bys (thank you for "Philothea", dear St. Francis! Anything by Mary Reed Newland is also gold. Job.)
• Exercise and sunshine. These are two of the most important elements to joy that are the easiest for me to forget (or put off). We've been trying to implement the best parts of camp into our everyday lives, so we've added PT in the mornings this school year: stretches, jumping jacks, and a run down the yard 10 times. We have a very long, private back yard that allows even me to join in! 
• Laughter. It's almost impossible when you're in the grips of depression, but being silly helps. Sometimes making weird faces at my little people till they're all rolling is medicine. One particularly rough day, every time someone cried to me for something, I crossed my eyes and said, "Whaaat?"  in a strange voice. It worked. Watch a funny video (we have a collection of home videos the boys love to watch, mostly of them being goofy when they were smaller), read a funny book.
• Address the things that have been giving you anxiety in your life. Sometimes I'm not even sure what's causing me grief, but I have a general sense of worry. It's helpful for me in those times to do a sort of examination of what's going on in my life, what obligations I have, what I've been mostly focusing on. Usually I find there is nothing at all to explain the anxiety, and almost like that it disappears. I've also gotten into the habit of offering my anxiety for the conversion of the worst sinner on earth...and also just like that, it disappears. Anxiety is a tool of Satan and he hates having his tools used against him.
• Make lists. If you haven't realized this by now, I love making lists and categorizing things. My journals are full of lists: how to minimize my closet, to-do lists, things to make lists, etc. It helps me organize what I should be doing, what are priorities, what I don't need to be worrying about (similar to above). 
•  Aromatherapy: I light candles alot. I also use essential oil in diffusers around the house, and have been dropping lemongrass essential oil into the rugs and carpet. It makes the house smell fresh and a lot less like the million-dirty-footprints I feel like it smells like otherwise. I don't even care if it destroys the rugs at this point. 
• Bake cookies. Make anything, really. We started taking more breaks in our school days to work on craft projects, and you know what? The boys' morale is so much higher when they have that to look forward to. 
• Good music. Sing. (For me, singing falls under the "laughter" bullet point above...no one around here can keep a straight face when I sing.)

• Lastly, but not least, lay it all out for your mama if you can. If you can't talk to your mama, most of us have an older woman in our lives, a "matriarch" of sorts, who is our navigation point, our rock. I'm so thankful for my mama.

And again I want to thank those of you who reached out to me in kindness, who sent words of assurance, a note of understanding. You all helped me more than you know. 

Crockpot Cheese Tortellini

This was supper tonight! Since I was trying to catch up most the day on laundry and dishes that accumulated over the weekend, and grading homework, the fact that this meal dirtied only a pan, the Crockpot, and utensils, was a blessing!

Crockpot Cheese Tortellini

(This recipe makes a large Crockpot full, which fed our family of seven with plenty of leftovers. For most simply cutting the ingredients in half should be sufficient.)

Ingredients

• 2 lbs. seasoned ground pork (I used Italian sausage; link style sausage would also work)
• 2 (19 oz.) bags of frozen cheese tortellini
• 1 (6 oz.) bag of fresh spinach
• 4 (14.5 oz.) cans diced tomatoes, drained
• 2 (8 oz.) blocks of cream cheese, softened and chunked
• 1 (32 oz.) carton of chicken broth (use extra if you want more of a soup)
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. pepper
• 2 tsp. garlic powder

Directions

Brown the sausage in a pan, then add all the ingredients to the Crockpot. Cook on low for 4-6 hours, stirring occasionally to mix and break up the cream cheese. 

Occasionally check tortellini, it may be done sooner.

Enjoy!

Tortilla Roll-Up Recipes

To avoid the confusion of several different recipe posts, I'm just going to go ahead and post all our tortilla roll-up recipes together here. The first two will be the new roll-ups I tried for baby niece's shower (and they were a huge hit!), the third is the tried-and-true recipe I've made for almost every family gathering for...well, years.

SPINACH DIP ROLL-UPS
Ingredients

• 8 oz. cream cheese, softened (I microwave mine for about 40 seconds)
• 3/4 cup mayo
• 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese (I'm convinced either the dry spaghetti shake stuff or the fresh grated Parmesan would both be fine. I used the dry stuff.)
• 1/2 tsp. garlic powder
• 1 tsp. lemon juice (I used the juice of half a lemon)
• 10 oz. frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed of liquid
• 4 oz. roasted red bell peppers, drained and diced
• 3 oz. bacon bits (I used about 4-6 slices of bacon, crumbled)
• 4 (10 inch) flour tortillas (I used the jalapeño and sun dried tomato flavored shells)

Directions

In a large bowl, combine cream cheese, mayo, Parmesan cheese, garlic powder, and lemon juice; mix well. Stir in spinach, roasted bell peppers, and bacon bits.

Spread the mixture on tortillas, distributing evenly. Roll up in jelly roll fashion. (Here it says to wrap each in plastic wrap and chill for 1-2 hours....(I always skip this step to save time, but I'm sure it would help keep the rolls intact when you're slicing them.)

Cut each roll into 1/2 inch thick slices and serve.

BACON CHEDDAR RANCH ROLL-UPS
Ingredients

• 8 oz. cream cheese, softened
• 1/4 cup ranch dressing
• 1/2 cup finely shredded cheddar
• 6 pieces of bacon, cooked and crumbled
• 1 tsp. minced chives or green onion top (I had neither so I minced about 1/8 cup red onion)
• 3-4 (10 inch) flour tortilla (again I used the jalapeño and sun dried tomato flavored shells)

Directions

In a mixing bowl, combine cream cheese and ranch dressing. Mix until smooth.
Stir in cheddar cheese, bacon, and chives (or onions).
Spread in a generous layer over tortillas.
Roll tightly and slice into 1 inch pieces.

JALAPEÑO TORTILLA ROLL-UPS
Ingredients

• 8 oz. cream cheese, softened
• 1 cup sour cream
• 4 oz. diced jalapeños
• 3+ Tbsp. minced green onion
• 4 oz. minced black olives
• 12 oz. finely grated cheddar
• 8 (10 inch) flour tortillas

Directions

In a medium bowl, mix cream cheese, sour cream, jalapeños, green onions, olives, and cheddar cheese well.

Spread mixture evenly onto tortillas and roll up. Cover tightly with plastic wrap and chill for 2 hours or overnight (again, I always skip this step).

Cut each roll into 1/2 inch slices.

Can be served with salsa or picante sauce.

Enjoy!

Finding Beauty

The itch to write has been growing, and so tonight after I finally sat down after hosting a baby shower I decided to do just that. The intended post was all about the baby shower, of course. All about the decorations and recipes for the roll-ups that turned out good, despite my fears. I sat down to feed my own sweet baby, picked up my phone to start a post, and found myself a couple sentences later immersed in my "fall back occupation". It happens whenever I'm so exhausted my brain doesn't stay on top of anything: looking at pretty kitchens on Instagram.

I wish I could tell you how many times "day dreaming" appeared on my report cards from school (it's literally everywhere). I was one of the children who was not allowed to sit by a window in public school, and I can honestly say I never outgrew that tendency to get lost in my own mind, in a world that was prettier than the one I was in.

I virtually stumbled on a blog post by a jewelry designer I follow. I'm not sure what made me stop to read it. Usually I scroll on past those posts from people I don't know, but the title must've caught my eye. I always wonder later if the unexplainable urge to stop and read was God trying to tell me something. You guys, I've had an epiphany tonight. A veil has been lifted.

With this particular post, immediately I felt empathy with the author. I too have spent an incredible amount of my life trying to cling tightly to beauty. Not my own, of course, but the beauty I can see. My soul craves beauty.

I was that little girl drooling over sparkly shoes in the store, the pink-canopied four poster bed. Details mattered to me even back then, and I had a strong desire for things to be "perfect". I would cut rings out of the JC Penny catalog and tape them to my fingers because I knew I'd never own them.

As an adult I find myself clinging to things I think are pretty, and surrounding myself with them. Today a dear aunt of mine commented that my house looked like a craft store. It was such a sweet compliment...and true. My home has become a craft store. The more I say it, the more it sounds like commercialism, like materialism, which I do not love. (I know this is in no way what my aunt meant, by the way, and she'd be surprised at the conclusion I came to by it.)

Yet I've realized more and more recently when I'm running errands that I sneak in a pretty thing or more to bring home. Nothing I need, and there are plenty of things we are much more in need of. I'm going to be brutally honest, and tell you all that I've been struggling lately. And the more I struggle, the more I crave beauty. This is the basic underlying truth to my "epiphany". Like a slap-in-the-face realization, the veil has shifted and revealed the ugly naked truth. The more miserable I feel the more I shop for pretty things to fill the house. The more I look for validation in human relationships. The more I seek satisfaction from food. As if the right earthly thing could fill the cracks of my heart.

It's an incredible task raising decent human beings, and I feel so very inadequate most days. I pray desperately not only for the graces to do my job well, but also for cooperation with those graces. But the struggle is always there, and I'm fatigued. I'm often playing the role of single parent while my husband works 12 hour shifts days and nights. Tomorrow starts shut-down for him (a.k.a. "hell week"). I struggle with my desire to be honest and find commiseration, because what mother has never felt overwhelmed? Is it better to limp ahead quietly and preserve the facade for those who wonder what it's like raising five kids? They are blessings from God, and I couldn't imagine life without them. Yet, I am overwhelmed. It is hard.

My exhaustion and frustration has overflowed into every part of my life. It's hard to say how it has multiplied like it has...most likely from failure to do something about it sooner, and also lack of sleep. It's been a long time since I've been able to get through Mass without crying, I'm ashamed to say. I'm at the end of my rope and realize I've forgotten to tie a knot to hang on. What little store of social graces I had has been bled dry. I have no idea what to say to anyone anymore as small talk, so I smile and nod like a fool. My overall tone of voice with the boys has again turned to drill sergeant. I keep pushing, keep reaching for that level of perfection in things that can never be this side of eternity.

I talk to St. Francis de Sales because he has given me such great advice. "St. Francis! It's me again! Look, I know you said to go read a book or take a walk or something when I feel my sanity slipping, but there's milk dripping off the table, and he's crying because he fell off the chair I told him not to climb, and she's hungry, and if I leave the kitchen now supper will be burned to a crisp. Sooo.... HELP!!!!

I crave the soul-sharing of a friend who gets it, who's been here, who has felt incredibly alone, outnumbered by little people, some who have illnesses or personalities that you feel lost in navigating. The mistake I keep making is relying so heavily on human beings and things, which only too often fail you. God never fails. Every time plans fall through, I get told no or someone says something rude, I get overlooked or someone else is chosen over me, a child disappoints, or my favorite book-cup-trinket-decoration gets destroyed, God is there whispering Not there. Me.

“The many troubles in your household will tend to your edification, if you strive to bear them all in gentleness, patience, and kindness. Keep this ever before you, and remember constantly that God's loving eyes are upon you amid all these little worries and vexations, watching whether you take them as He would desire. Offer up all such occasions to Him, and if sometimes you are put out, and give way to impatience, do not be discouraged, but make haste to regain your lost composure.” -St. Francis de Sales

What do you do when you want to hide in a quiet place, but can't leave? You fashion a little nest in your heart for Beauty and Goodness to reside. If all else is lost, there will remain a place of rest. Job prevailed because he had an entire castle in his heart, where his King reigned.

Basic theology tells us that God is beauty. He is love. He is everything we long for, everything we hope for. Everything we miss. "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world," says C.S. Lewis. I'm longing for God but searching for Him in all the wrong places.

And so I will share with you the part of the post that had tears streaming down my face, and me thinking Yes! Why do I always forget? Why do I keep having to be reminded? Why am I so slow to realize?

From www.lisaleonard.com :

"There is beauty in a hot cup of coffee.
There is beauty in sitting with a friend and sharing our hearts.
There is beauty in sunlight coming through the window.
There is beauty in slowing down to rest.
There is beauty in an impromptu dinner with friends.
There is beauty when my arms are tired from holding my boys.
There is beauty in the emptiness of loss, because loss means I have loved.
There is beauty in the dark places--where we least expect to find it. I have found on the hardest days, beauty shows up in real and miraculous ways.
The tighter I try to hold onto beauty, the more it slips through my fingers.
When I look to my outward beauty, my home and material things to fill me I become frustrated.
Beauty cannot be owned or possessed.
Beauty comes to me when I stop trying to control things and let them be what they are--messy and amazing.
There is nothing wrong with green shoes or four poster beds with the ruffle canopy. There is nothing wrong with a new couch or the perfect shade of lipstick. These things are beautiful gifts--ours to enjoy for a little while. But the little things; a smile, a tiny giggle, an anonymous gift, a small hand in mine, the ocean waves, the sun warming my shoulders, these are the most beautiful gifts of all."

In all these things we see a fraction of the beauty and goodness that God is.

I will add, there is beauty in the second of quiet in my soul before my King comes for a visit. There I will find strength to continue.