Out of the Mouths of...Boys

Over the years I've heard some pretty strange and often hilarious things uttered by my children. I started journaling these quotes a few years ago to keep me entertained when I hit my geriatric, senile years (if I make it that long, that is). I found some of these in old Facebook posts, in the actual journal I bought for them, and also in the Quick Notes app on my phone. I had no idea I had accumulated so many until I started adding them all here.

This is a sample of the wisdom of my children.

2012: "Mama, I can't get my toes in my teeth. Can you please cut my toenails?" Aidan, age 4. Serial nail-biter.

2012: "Don't move the TV, Aidan!"
Aidan: "Why not?"
Me: "It'll fall on you."
Aidan: "It'd make me a rectangle?"

2013: "Mom, do you see that noise in my brain? It sounds like a washing machine." Gavin, age 6.

2013: Liam, age 3: "Mom, can I pwease go outside and pway? I won't go on the road and get killed again!"

2014: Liam: "Is this the sound of my skeleton?" and cracks himself in the head with a wooden spoon.

2014: Aidan: "Dad, can I get a real golf ball please?"
Eli: "No, you guys can only use the plastic balls in the back yard."
Aidan: "But Dad! I can't get good flight with the plastic balls!" (Said the boy who broke a window the same year.)

2014: "Mom, something really weird happened. I was supposed to be born in Hawaii, and you were supposed to call me 'Bruce Wayne'. But you didn't, you called me 'Aidan' instead! So now you know." Age 7

2014: Aidan: "Mom, did I accidentally tell you you what I made you for Christmas?"
Me: "No, not that I know of."
Gavin: "What did you accidentally tell Mom?"
Aidan: "I almost told her I made her a snowflake for Christmas!"

2015: Liam, on discovering what was on the menu for lunch one day: "But I don't want that to go down my throat!"

2015: Liam, the first thing he said to me after he woke up: "Mom, I ate all my butatoes. Can I have a punkin bar now?
"Liam, you did not eat any potatoes."
Liam, "Oh. Do we have butatoes?"

2015: Liam (apparently still half asleep): " Last morning I had a dream and I had one mouth and thick hair. And Aidan said to me, 'Do you want to play soccer with me, Wiam?' and I said, '...*squeaky sound*' And I got a burrito and I spiked it."

2015: Me, "Gavin, guess what you are!"
Gavin: "...a treasure?"

2015: Liam, with a look of exasperation: "I just tasted frosting on the bathroom door!"
"Why would you be tasting the bathroom door, Liam?"
"Because...there's frosting on it?"

2015: Liam, "There are a lotta baby angels in heaven, wike a fousand, and they have a nest up there."

2015: "Why can't I walk to the Post Office naked? No naked allowed?" Liam, age 3 going on 4.

2015: "Mom, I always be careful when I fall." Gavin, age 6.

2015: Gavin, "You know, doors are quite helpful too. They cover your bodies when clothings are not on them."

2015: Gavin, "Mom, are you retired?"

2015: Liam, "But I'm not a pipsqueak, Dad! I don't stink!"

2015: Liam, "Mom, Dad just shot a rumpit!"

2015: Liam: "Mom, I didn't get out of the van!"
Gavin: "Thank you, Captain Obvious."
Liam: "Captain Obvious is NOT in the van!"

2015: "Mom, I accidentally peed on the floor. I fought it was the park." Liam, age 3.

2015: " 'Maybe' is like a surprise cheeseburger. You never know what you're going to get inside." Aidan, age 8 (who has never seen Forest Gump).

2015: "Aidan, come look! Mom's making corn! No, real corn! The stuff that comes off a real cob!" Gavin age 6.

2015: "I finally got my brain to stop talking to me in Dan Wardell's voice. Man was that annoying." Aidan

2015: "Hey guys, let's play school!"
"Hey Aidan, did you finish your grammar?"
"ERRRGGGH! No!"

2015: Aidan, while watching Wheel of Fortune: "Prancing Spanish Fairies!!! I got the puzzle, Dad!"
Eli: "No, Aidan, it's 'Practicing Spanish Phrases'."

2015: Gavin: "Mom, can you get the toothpaste down for me please?"
"Why can't you get it, Gavin?"
"Because I'd have to stand on the toilet lid and I want to go to heaven."

2015: Liam, "I fink I have the bubble fever. Have you never heard of that before? When I was playing with the Baby Jesus I jumped on the couch like dis..." (*demonstrates*) "...and I cracked my ankle, broke the bone, it was all out of order."

2015: Aidan: "Mom, why does Dad want to wear an ugly sweater for Christmas?"
"Because he thinks it's funny. I got one to wear, too."
Aidan: "UGH! But why?"
"Because that's true love. Solidarity, man."
Aidan: "Do you mind if I look nice for Christmas?"

2015: Liam: "Mom! Mom! Come quick! Ian's foot is in the wrong area! No really! His foot is coming out his other foot! Mom! What's so funny? Ian needs help! I need you to stop laughing! Oh never mind. Everyfing is in order now."

2015: Liam, "Dad, do I look like a girl?"
"No bud, why would you say that?"
"Because I'm wearing a red sweater."

2015: Aidan, "Mom, childhood is kinda boring."

2015: Aidan, "I had a dream last night, Mom. You dressed up as a velociraptor and you were rocking in a chair and knitting. The other velociraptor thought that you were a real velociraptor but he didn't know velociraptors could knit. Then he went and killed that other guy who wasn't Dad."

2016: "Mom, will you hope I don't fall apart when I become a Lego?" Liam, age 4.

2016: "No, Liam, you cannot have candy."
"But Mom! Candy is in my prophecy!"

2016: "Quit running in circles around the table!"
Liam: "Ok, Mom, I'll just run in rectangles!"

2016: Liam: "Mom, I think porkypines chew off their quills to poke eagles. I think they poke eagles in their wings. Haw haw huHAW huHAW--(eagle noises)--Mom, are dodos estinct forever? Forever and ever?"

2016: Liam, eating a hard-boiled egg: "Guys, pretend I'm a crow and I'm eating a baby robin."

2016: Liam: "Mom, when you smack a crocodile will it roar like a lion? Are a crocodile's teeth like a lion's teeth? Mom, is Jojo like a black lion? Will lions eat dogs? Will they run away? Do they have babies? Lots of babies?"

2016: Liam: "Never throw washcloths at our company, ok Mom?"

2016: "Baby delivery!" Gavin proclaimed.

2016: Gavin: "Mom, when you met Dad were you looking at him and ogling at him? Were you nervous? Was he a stranger? And you still talked to him? Were you small back then?"

2016: Liam. Right before bed: "But my throat is so thirsty and wrinkly!"

2016: Liam: "Ian, have you not seen this show for 87 years?!"

2016: Liam: "Mom, when I be mean to somebody will my heart be bad? Will it be bad forever?"

2016: Liam: "Mom, I'm never going to let you die."

2016: "Liam, where are you going with the apple juice?"
Liam: "I'm thirsty. It's ok, Mom. You can just sit down and rest. I got it."

2016: Liam: "Mom, I don't want to be old. Will Dad be old someday? Does it take forever to get old? Mom, someday I hope to be as tall as Aidan and Gavin and you and Dad. But I won't be as tall as a human? Is Dad taller than you? Dad's taller than a bowling ball. Dad's taller than soap. Dad's taller than a bird nest and paper and a bottle of water and a remote. Dad's taller than an elephant. God is with Dad because boys go with boys?" This was just part of a litany of "things Dad is taller than" that lasted for over 10 minutes.

2016: "Aidan, haste makes waste."
Aidan: "I know. *sigh* I hate paste."

2016: After picking up some fast food for the boys, Liam was acting up. When he asked what I had ordered him I gave him a hard time and said, "Nothing. You got a big bag full of air."
Liam sighed and said in a resigned tone, "What's the air look like?"

2016: Liam: "Who ate all the noodles? Aw, I was going to eat the rest of them! Ian crossed a line."

2016: Gavin, while sitting in a parking lot, parked, with the vehicle off: "Mom, I'm just going to hang on to the seat like this in case you take a sharp turn. Ok, Mom?"

2016, a debate among the three oldest:
Gavin: "Unicorns fly!"
Liam: "No, they don't!"
Aidan: "No, they can't fly, they don't have wings."
Gavin: "Yes they do!"
Aidan:"Well, they don't exist, so they can't fly."
Gavin: "Mom! Do unicorns fly?"
Liam: "Unicorns have rainbow horns and that's dangerous."
Gavin: "Anyways, why are we talking about this? Unicorns are stupid."

2016: Aidan, doing his math (how he reminds himself to borrow, and...motivates himself?):
"4 went up against 6 but was too weak. So he got 3 to help. 3 was too weak too so he went to 9. 9 came along and was strong enough for them all. So 4 became 14 and took out 6, and 3 became 12 and took out 8, and 9, who turned into 8, finished out the fight by taking out 2. After the fight they had 448 strength left. The subtraction team went out to look for more suspects. "Hey 9!"..."Hey, Bud!"..."Where are the rest of the suspects?"..."They are in the answer key, but it's in the forbidden land and we are banned from it." "Let's settle this fight ourselves."..."Ah..ugh..oofAAAH! psshk...thunk."

2016: Gavin, after getting McDonald's: "I don't know what this is, but I'M LOVING IT!"

2016: "Aidan, do you know why words are in parentheses?"
Aidan: "Yeah, it means those are words you don't have to read."

2016, Liam: "Mom, you know how you make sugar? You get some shoog. Then you put in some ar. That's an R. And you have sugar! Do ducks swim?"
"Yes, ducks swim."
"In coffee?"

2016: Aidan: "This couch smells like beauty."

2016: "Liam, do you want juice or milk?
"I pollute milk."
"Do you mean 'chose'?"
"Yeah. Mom, are you glad I choosed milk? Mom, milk is Italian."
"No, milk comes from cows."
"Yeah, from their udders. Mom, don't say udders."