On Life and The Black Hole

Life for most of us is a long and winding road, filled with numerous potholes, hairpin turns, and steep precipices. About the time I start doing a victory dance over some small battle won, a bad habit nixed, or victory in a fight with my will, reality slaps me in the face with 10 other flaws I need to get control of. This is life. It is a battleground. And though we may be weary and fatigued, beaten, broken, caked with the muck of this life, we cannot give up. To give up is the ultimate act of cowardice and selfishness. As I've heard over and over from my Dad throughout my life, "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on".

There have been so many points in my life though, when I couldn't find my bootstraps. Stuck on rock bottom, but rock bottom was really quicksand, and I couldn't break free. Anyone who has experienced depression knows this dark feeling. It's so overwhelming you can't remember what happiness or excitement feel like. Laying in a hospital bed for seven days, feeling like someone was trying to split my head open with an ax, and morphine barely touching the pain, I saw the other side. The side people must get to to think it's ok to take your own life. I wanted to die. And it terrified me. I was so ashamed of those thoughts I couldn't tell anyone for years....I'm not entirely certain I ever have. I cried to God for help, in anger. This I'm also ashamed of, and I resolved to silence my mind after that before prayer. God allows only what we can handle, and it's our choice to be brave or cowardly about it. God allows adversity to test and strengthen us. As loving parents, we do not want our children to ever be in pain, or have troubles, but we also know we're doing our children no good by sheltering them from it all. We are refined by fire. We are not given a good life or a bad life, we are just given a life. It's up to us to make it good or bad. You are captain of your own soul.

A few years later, after suffering the loss of another much-prayed for baby, I gave everything to God. I sat out on our deck steps and could feel peace in knowing God was taking care of it all for me. Someday I know I'll see His Grand Design for my life, and how little I could see of it here on earth. Someone must have been praying very hard for me at that moment. I handled everything so much better than I had through my first miscarriage. However, during the following month I slipped into a horrible depression and I couldn't seem to break free. I gained 15 pounds. My poor boys lived off of quickly prepared frozen food. I tried talking about it to a couple of the people closest to me. They were sympathetic and tried to be helpful, but who really knows what someone needs during their darkest hour? Depression isolates you like none other; it's an invisible leprosy.

How do you pull yourself up when you can't even find your bootstraps? I thought a lot about this after hearing of celebrities who had taken their own lives, and media was buzzing with opinions. "It was just too hard for him," people said. "He couldn't be brave any longer. Depression is a disease". Now, what is the point of ever being brave if you can't be brave to the very end? Taking your own life is a choice, and one that comes with horrific consequences. Your loved ones are left picking up the pieces you shattered all over. Life is too hard for us all if we go at it alone. I approached our priest during a particularly rough time for me, and he told me I wasn't asking God for enough help. He's there, waiting with all the help we need, if only we ask. It may come in the form of a subtle realization that you need to swallow your pride and get help from a professional source, the mere thought of which makes your very soul cringe. It also applies to our loved ones, and the help we refuse to ask from them. For me there is always a voice in the back of my mind, telling me to shut my mouth, don't be narcissistic, your friends are tired of hearing about all of your troubles.

I've thought a lot since then about what I needed most at my worst times. In my experience, reaching out to someone is the best cure for depression. It's almost impossible to be a friend to someone suffering from depression, but you can't give up. Don't try to fix them, just be there for them. The types of depression people suffer from are as complex and diverse as the person. But most importantly, if you are struggling with depression, DO NOT HIDE. It may be the hardest thing you do, but the most important. Keep looking till you find that one person who will grab onto you and not let go until you're on the other side. They may need to drag you out kicking and screaming and give you a slap in the face, but you will not be alone. There is always hope.

I'm not always depressed, it comes in waves. And I can't just snap out of it, or get over it. Logically I can reason away any reasons for being depressed, but it doesn't make the darkness go away. There are triggers, and there are long stretches of time that I'm not depressed at all. Or there seems to be, anyway. When I'm happy it's hard to see how things could ever get so dark. These moments help me see how people who don't suffer from depression cannot fully understand it. If you ask me why I'm depressed, there won't be an answer because even I don't know why. I've told people "I'm okay" when I really wasn't because I just wanted them to go away. I often feel like I'm not doing enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, even though deep down I know I'm doing the best I can most the time. Depression does not operate by the laws of reason. There are natural ways to help stave off depression. Fresh air and sunshine are therapy for me, and my mood is greatly affected by smells. In particular, bacon, onions, coffee, basil. and lemon or lemongrass comfort me. Avoiding sugar helps me tremendously as well. The months of November and April are so hard for me, probably partly from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), and partly because the babies I lost were both due in November. I try to surround myself by beautiful things as throw-ropes for when the black cloud overwhelms me.

If you know someone who is prone to depression, be the one to reach out to them. Even if you think they don't want anything to do with you. I know too well this can be a painful experience, but if you are close enough to them you cannot give up. You may be the one person who keeps them from being lost. I once tried to reach out to someone who I thought was having a rough time. I wanted to build rapport by sharing some of the troubles I've had with depression, to show that I was truly empathetic. In my effort to be the comforting shoulder, I got my metaphorical hand bitten off. I realized we were not as close as I assumed we were, and I approached from the wrong angle. I was swiftly told I was not going to find a "Molly-coddling" there, that I should put my big girl panties on and go see a doctor. To this day I cannot help but think the words came from a deep-seated hatred for me.

In another instance, I had a co-worker who was a chronic pessimist. Think Eeyore, in person form. This person made an off-hand remark about killing himself one night at work. Another co-worker was extremely disturbed by it, as I probably should have been. She made the decision to call "Eeyore's" father and tell him what she had heard. It made "Eeyore" extremely angry and embarrassed, but I believe she made the right decision. How would either one of us have dealt with the situation if he had really gone home and killed himself? Opening yourself up to attempt to help someone is rarely pain free. But if you find that you were the one person that helped get someone to a new, brighter day, it all becomes worth it. Even the scars.

Midwest Center for Anxiety and Depression

As isolating as depression is, more and more people are coming forward with their own stories. I've read my share of them, nodding my head most times in agreement, and feeling not so alone. If sharing our stories helps to lift even a corner of the invisible stigma that is attached to those depressed, we are obligated to do it. You're here for a reason.