We all have a mental image of ourselves, however disordered it may be. Although, perhaps others aren't as deceived as I am about their appearances? Having been on a roller coaster of sizes for the past 21 years (literally since I was 12), I have often not seen myself in mirrors. On more than one occasion I've strolled through a mirror aisle in a store and have not recognized myself in the mirrors. Random thoughts I had on glimpsing myself: "Watch out going by that heavy girl, she doesn't look very forgiving if you bumped into her," and, "That lady could stand to lose a few pounds." Each time I realized with shock that it was me, and then proceeded to chide myself on how uncharitable my thoughts had been. I truly believe a person's self-worth is not measured in pounds. Most often a person's size (big or small) is a reflection of a complicated battle only they can understand.
I gained a lot of weight when I was 12...I had eating competitions with my brother, and it showed. As I turned 13 I went through a very hard time and started developing an eating disorder. I lost over 20 pounds in less than a month. My parents took me to the doctor, and I was diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, and extreme scruples. My parents tried everything they could think of to help me, and we finally found a very good priest, Fr. Goettler, who counselled me through my worst moments. We corresponded by mail for a long time, and though we've lost track of him, I will be forever grateful to him for helping me dig my way out. Everyone's situations are different, but I firmly believe that if we had relied solely on modern medicine and therapists, I would still be in a dark hole, on medication, battling the same demons. Without God everything becomes infinitely more unbearable.
Currently I'm closer to the "me" I see in my mind than I have been for many years. I was able to keep my weight pretty steady in high school through the age of 21, fluctuating only about 10 lbs. Even then, when I was "normal" or "average", people were so thoughtless. I'll never be thin, it's not in my genes. But at the age of 19 I was called "Thunder Thighs" by a male coworker (who followed his "compliment" with a corresponding slap on my thigh). I knew it was inappropriate. But in my desire to be liked and accepted I only put up a mild protest, and then laughed it off as a joke. He should have been fired. Through my working years I dealt with multiple comparisons of me to J.Lo, and comments of why "black guys like me", mostly from women who "could say so" because "it was true" and "they were my friends". It made me extremely self-conscious.
Then I met my husband. They call what followed "contentment weight"...well...I call it survival weight! I gained 10 lbs. a year the first three years we were together. Then we got married and I was pregnant immediately. After my weight plateaued after baby, there was an extra 20 lbs. hanging around. I was pregnant again a year later, and that was another 10 lbs. post baby still on my frame. I started hiding....I didn't want to leave the house or be seen in public. I found myself in 2009 up by 60 lbs. six short years after meeting Eli. I went on a major diet, counting calories, and taking diet pills (Slim Quick). They were like a drug...I shook when I didn't take them. I lived on coffee and wine and frozen Lean Cuisine meals. It was a sad existence. I dropped 40 lbs. in four months, though, and lived on the compliments I got.
I started having episodes that I thought were strokes. The right half of my face would go numb, my right arm would go numb. My mind went fuzzy and I couldn't think of words I wanted to say. I was planning a trip to Milwaukee to visit friends with my two little boys, and I couldn't figure out how to say Milwaukee. It came out "Wewakee", and I couldn't figure out why it was wrong. I was scared. I went back to the doctor who had diagnosed me with OCD 14 years earlier, and she suggested I stop using all caffeine for two months. No coffee, no chocolate, and most terrifying, no diet pills. I obeyed her guidelines, and when I went in for my follow-up visit two months later without having had a single "strokish episode", she told me I was having complex migraines triggered by caffeine. I haven't touched a diet pill since, and only allow myself one caffeinated drink a day. I also have not had a complex migraine in six years.
I kept most the weight off from my major 2009 diet until I got pregnant with my third son two years later. I went on another big diet in 2012 and got to within 10 lbs. of where I was in 2009. And then I miscarried another (my second) much hoped for and prayed for baby. Depression weight totaled about 15 pounds, and when I found myself pregnant again a few months later I didn't care about size. I've always been an emotional eater. If I was sad, I ate. Excited? Have some ice cream! Celebrating? That's a no-brainer. After the birth of my fourth son I was bigger than I ever had been. "Morbidly obese", it's called. I was tired and hid from the world. I deleted pictures of myself and didn't post the few I kept for memories of special moments we shared as a family. I disgusted myself. I was always tired and never satisfied. My clothes, however big I got them, were uncomfortable. I remember looking in the mirror and feeling hatred for my body. That's a horrible and unhealthy place to be.
My bolt-of-lightning-from-the-heavens moment came to me because of a rollerskating party friends of ours had. We decided to go because we had never taken the boys skating. I loved rollerskating and lived on roller blades as a teenager. I wore my stretchy maternity clothing, having really nothing else to wear that was appropriate to skate in. A few turns around the rink and my legs were like jelly. But I kept going because it felt so good to move! It was liberating! I carefully avoided peoples' eyes...I'm sure I knew what they were thinking of the plump girl whizzing by them, trying to keep her shirt pulled over her rump. And then I fell down. I laughed, but I really wanted to cry from sheer mortification. Later that night after we got home I recreated my "falling down pose" in front of the bathroom mirror to see what I had exposed the innocent public to. It was in that moment I knew my love affair with food had to end. If I respected myself I needed to fix the damage I had done to my body.
February 2 of this year I officially started my "diet". I hesitate to call it that, because I hate diets and they never work long term for me. However, if I can retrain my brain to see this "diet" as a training process for permanent lifestyle changes, I think I can find success. I don't care about the number on my clothing, I want to feel good. In four months I have lost a total of 54 lbs. I went from a size 18W-20 (XXL, depending on brands) to a size 14-16 (L). I hope to lose another 10-15 lbs. and maintain it for the rest of my life.
For those who want to know how, basically I count the calories of every single thing that passes my lips, and I keep track of them in a little notebook: my "food journal". If a certain food doesn't come with a nutrition label I simply Google "calories in (whatever food I'm planning to eat). There are a lot of sites out there now that have the calories of almost every food imaginable cataloged. A trusted one for me is caloriecount.com. Also, My Fitness Pal is a great way to keep track of calories if you don't mind it being all online. I prefer pen and paper.
I see so often cautions from the "gurus" not to count calories, that it's no way to live. Well, long term it's not ideal. But when you have bad, deeply rooted habits of excess, counting calories is a great way to retrain yourself how to eat and it keeps me on track. If I don't weigh myself for one day I don't feel as accountable for what I eat, so I also weigh myself almost daily.
Moderation is the key. You have to be able to tell yourself no at some point. I allow myself 1000-1200 calories a day. The type of calories matters too, as does the time of day you eat them. My fattier/carb calories are eaten ideally in the first half of the day so I don't sleep on them. Replacing carbs with protein has worked wonders for me, and has really helped kick my sugar cravings. If you drink alcohol regularly your body will burn those calories first while storing all the calories you eat...if you're eating fatty foods with alcohol, you can guess how those calories get stored. The amazing thing is that once you abstain from bad calories long enough, once you get a taste of it again the junk is never as good as you remember it being.
Breakfast I try to keep to 400 calories, and it always includes my cup of coffee. Egg whites, grapefruit, oatmeal, are all great for breakfast. Lunch (aka dinner) I also try to keep to 400 calories. It usually includes my meat for the day, if any; protein for energy, and a good amount of vegetables. Supper uses up my calories for the day, around 200-300 calories, and is usually a large salad or a bunch of whatever veggies we have on hand. My supper is often 2 cups of raw carrots.
When I hit a weight plateau I'll binge on something...like a big fat juicy bacon cheeseburger with the works and a beer. It shocks my system into losing weight again, since calorie restriction can cause your body to go into starvation mode. You need calories to burn calories. I read somewhere recently that consuming less than 800-1000 calories a day will cause your body to think it's starving and go into survival mode.
As for exercise, the work I do around the house has been sufficient to keep the pounds coming off, and I'm often on me feet most of the day. The whole month of April I exercised myself nearly to insanity. I alternated running/walking twice a day for an hour. I was so sore and burned out I couldn't keep it up, especially when I wasn't losing an ounce. I quit my exercise regime and within a few days lost six pounds. I was just pushing myself too hard.
There is no get-skinny-quick secret or pill (that's healthy, anyway). I do take a Super B-Complex vitamin to help boost my metabolism. Green Tea helps with this as well. And don't forget your water! Drinking the required amount of water a day helps you feel full (for a short while at least) and helps reduce water retention. It literally flushes your system.
Each person needs to find what works for them, but it is possible! The first month is the hardest...especially forming new habits. I gave myself so many more "free passes" in the beginning than what I do now. But keep them to once a week, on a specific day, or it will drag you off the wagon. And don't give up. If you have a bad day, you have tomorrow to get back on track. If you regain weight it comes off a lot faster if you get back on the wagon right away and don't stress about it. There's a lot of hard work involved...I have shed many tears over denied burgers and cupcakes. It sounds so silly now, but it was a hard break-up for me, and one I'll be trying to maintain for the rest of my life. I am so thankful I took that step. Treat yourself, very occasionally and moderately, it will help keep you sane!
:) Go Julie! Go Julie!
ReplyDelete:) <3
Delete